Can't think of a good way to introduce this, so I'll just start.
I have a friend who is in the process of adopting from Ethiopia. She and her husband have two sweet little boys, and felt like God was calling them to add to their family again, but through adoption this time. She called me the other day and asked if I would be interested in hosting a Pampered Chef party for her, as they are trying to come up with the last little bit of money they need for travels to Ethiopia to pick up their precious baby. And I said absolutely! First, just a few days before her call, I was thinking about how much I enjoy my Pampered Chef products. I only have a couple, but whenever I use them, I feel so fancy. Kinda...pampered. And second - but most importantly - how cool is it that I am able to help out a friend who is in a somewhat similar boat? Fostering and adoption are two different things, but definitely related. Especially taking into consideration all of the hoops to jump through, and paperwork, and atypical preparation for welcoming a child to your family. Pregnant people get at least one baby shower, 9 months to prepare, and overwhelming support from everyone -- from family and friends to doctors and endless books. Foster and adoptive parents basically get as much help as they can drum up themselves. But I digress.
Anyway... I agreed to host a Pampered Chef party. And I'm telling you about it because I want as many people to come as possible! It will be on Tuesday, July 22, at 6:30. I've never actually been to a party before, but I know I love their products. And I'm a huge advocate of cooking at home and family meals being eaten together -- avoiding processed foods, overpriced dining out, and the dissolution of the family unit (maybe a slight exaggeration on that one).
So mark your calendars, ladies! Your men are welcome to come, but Jake Henry says the women can spend more money when the men aren't there to try to talk them out of it :) I'll send e-vites or something closer to time, but just wanted to get the word out now. And also explain why it's especially important to me.
Oh, and our next training meeting is tomorrow (Friday), so I'll try to post another update in a couple of days. Au revoir!
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
things I wish you knew (or would at least think about before speaking)
in no particular order...
1. "How's the baby making coming?"
Um...really?! How is that in any way appropriate for anyone to ask anyone else?? There is a tactful way to broach the subject if you and I are semi-close friends, and I do appreciate your interest if that's the case. But basically, I'll tell you if/when we get pregnant. If we're close, I'll tell you right after we tell our families. If we're not close, then I guess you'll find out when we decide to announce it (or if you see us out with a newborn baby boy with a beard, it's a safe guess he's biologically ours).
2. "Have you gotten your kids yet?"
Granted, I know more about the system than the average person. But how is it possible for you to think that all one has to do is sign up, and they're handed a kid -- especially a kid who has been abused or neglected?? Seriously, people. They do background checks. There's training. It takes time. Just use some common sense. And if you see us with a kid to whom I am speaking Spanish, or cornrowing their hair, or who has squinty eyes, or is older than the amount of time it's been since we last saw you, then go ahead and assume that we've gotten our kid(s). (also, just to clarify in case you haven't been told: we're looking at being licensed in September; that's the earliest we'll get a placement)
3. "Have you looked into treatments?"/"I'll hook you up with ___ so you can talk about your treatment options"/etc.
It's kind of you to care like that. Really, it is. But...have you considered that maybe we don't want to do treatments? Like, that we could actually choose not to? We have by no means exhausted all options. We haven't even looked into them. For a couple of reasons. First, we're not entirely sure what we think about the morality of them. You know, the whole "playing God" thing (among other issues). And that is totally a personal thing. We have close friends and know of many others who have gone through fertility treatments, and we are in no way saying they were wrong or sinning or anything like that. We just aren't sure how we feel. Also, we don't have $20,000+ to spend on anything. We're the type who would prefer to pay cash. But even if we had that kind of money sitting around...fertility treatments are not guaranteed. It's not our hearts' desire to give birth; it's our desire to be parents. So we'd rather spend that money on an actual child (like through adoption). That's not the only reason we're fostering, but it's a definite bonus that there is $0 involved in adopting a child or children through the foster care system. So, no, we haven't gone through any treatments. And we likely never will.
I hope this came across as more informational than emotional. I've read a couple of those buzzfeed and other articles lately along the lines of "20 questions you should never ask...", and I thought it'd be helpful to write one myself. Because, to be fair, this is kind of uncharted territory -- not only for us, but for those around us, as well. So now you know :)
1. "How's the baby making coming?"
Um...really?! How is that in any way appropriate for anyone to ask anyone else?? There is a tactful way to broach the subject if you and I are semi-close friends, and I do appreciate your interest if that's the case. But basically, I'll tell you if/when we get pregnant. If we're close, I'll tell you right after we tell our families. If we're not close, then I guess you'll find out when we decide to announce it (or if you see us out with a newborn baby boy with a beard, it's a safe guess he's biologically ours).
2. "Have you gotten your kids yet?"
Granted, I know more about the system than the average person. But how is it possible for you to think that all one has to do is sign up, and they're handed a kid -- especially a kid who has been abused or neglected?? Seriously, people. They do background checks. There's training. It takes time. Just use some common sense. And if you see us with a kid to whom I am speaking Spanish, or cornrowing their hair, or who has squinty eyes, or is older than the amount of time it's been since we last saw you, then go ahead and assume that we've gotten our kid(s). (also, just to clarify in case you haven't been told: we're looking at being licensed in September; that's the earliest we'll get a placement)
3. "Have you looked into treatments?"/"I'll hook you up with ___ so you can talk about your treatment options"/etc.
It's kind of you to care like that. Really, it is. But...have you considered that maybe we don't want to do treatments? Like, that we could actually choose not to? We have by no means exhausted all options. We haven't even looked into them. For a couple of reasons. First, we're not entirely sure what we think about the morality of them. You know, the whole "playing God" thing (among other issues). And that is totally a personal thing. We have close friends and know of many others who have gone through fertility treatments, and we are in no way saying they were wrong or sinning or anything like that. We just aren't sure how we feel. Also, we don't have $20,000+ to spend on anything. We're the type who would prefer to pay cash. But even if we had that kind of money sitting around...fertility treatments are not guaranteed. It's not our hearts' desire to give birth; it's our desire to be parents. So we'd rather spend that money on an actual child (like through adoption). That's not the only reason we're fostering, but it's a definite bonus that there is $0 involved in adopting a child or children through the foster care system. So, no, we haven't gone through any treatments. And we likely never will.
I hope this came across as more informational than emotional. I've read a couple of those buzzfeed and other articles lately along the lines of "20 questions you should never ask...", and I thought it'd be helpful to write one myself. Because, to be fair, this is kind of uncharted territory -- not only for us, but for those around us, as well. So now you know :)
Monday, June 16, 2014
training session 2
We had our second training session Friday. Jennifer was in the middle of making a placement during our session, so she let us know ahead of time that she might have to leave at any moment. She ended up staying the whole time, but now we see this will likely be a regular thing - placements interrupting our sessions/timeline. Which is absolutely fine, because placing children in loving homes is why we're all doing this anyway.
Basically, she went over the questions we had answered about the first book she left with us. It was pretty eye-opening to be able to see things from a different angle. For example: a mom hasn't come home in several days, leaving her 10-year-old in charge of the younger siblings. That's considered abandonment, which is grounds for removal of the children from the home. Everyone reading this will agree that removal is appropriate, and probably be a little disgusted with the mom, and not want her to have her kids back ever. BUT. This particular mom has been left in the lurch by her husband (no ex) who never pays child support. She is 28 and has four children for whom she is the sole provider. All she does is work and take care of children. She feels hopeless, and has no time whatsoever to be in anything other than survival mode. She can't take that and needs an escape. (This is not a real person, FYI, it was an example given in our book!) So while abandoning her children was definitely wrong...I can't help but ache for her. I'm a woman. Close to her age. And I can't imagine what I would do in her situation.
But anyway, we do things like that. Learn to look at the back story and really connect with the birth parents on a human, we're-all-in-the-same-boat way. It will make temporarily caring for their children easier when we can truly desire to help and work with the birth parents.
That's pretty much all of the updating I have. We're one training session closer to being licensed. I'm still thinking early- to mid-September is when we'll have our license in hand. Jake and I have recently made some pretty big decisions, but I'll have to wait to disclose those. Our lives now revolve around children we've never met, and didn't give birth to, and who might only be with us for weeks. But we could be the only positive influence they'll ever have - the only example of what a strong, loving marriage and family look like - and we're adjusting our home and relationship and lives accordingly.
One last thing: on Saturday, Jake competed in his second powerlifting meet. Last year he was in the 220 weight class, but this year at weigh-in he was 221 lbs, so he was in the 242 weight class. Being the lightest person in the class, and only having competed once before, and missing one of his goal weights (to lift), my Jake Henry placed 3rd out of 8. I am so very proud of him. And I totally feel invincible when I walk around with him. Like, "yeah, wanna say that in front of my husband? Didn't think so" kinda deal.
The end (for now).
Basically, she went over the questions we had answered about the first book she left with us. It was pretty eye-opening to be able to see things from a different angle. For example: a mom hasn't come home in several days, leaving her 10-year-old in charge of the younger siblings. That's considered abandonment, which is grounds for removal of the children from the home. Everyone reading this will agree that removal is appropriate, and probably be a little disgusted with the mom, and not want her to have her kids back ever. BUT. This particular mom has been left in the lurch by her husband (no ex) who never pays child support. She is 28 and has four children for whom she is the sole provider. All she does is work and take care of children. She feels hopeless, and has no time whatsoever to be in anything other than survival mode. She can't take that and needs an escape. (This is not a real person, FYI, it was an example given in our book!) So while abandoning her children was definitely wrong...I can't help but ache for her. I'm a woman. Close to her age. And I can't imagine what I would do in her situation.
But anyway, we do things like that. Learn to look at the back story and really connect with the birth parents on a human, we're-all-in-the-same-boat way. It will make temporarily caring for their children easier when we can truly desire to help and work with the birth parents.
That's pretty much all of the updating I have. We're one training session closer to being licensed. I'm still thinking early- to mid-September is when we'll have our license in hand. Jake and I have recently made some pretty big decisions, but I'll have to wait to disclose those. Our lives now revolve around children we've never met, and didn't give birth to, and who might only be with us for weeks. But we could be the only positive influence they'll ever have - the only example of what a strong, loving marriage and family look like - and we're adjusting our home and relationship and lives accordingly.
One last thing: on Saturday, Jake competed in his second powerlifting meet. Last year he was in the 220 weight class, but this year at weigh-in he was 221 lbs, so he was in the 242 weight class. Being the lightest person in the class, and only having competed once before, and missing one of his goal weights (to lift), my Jake Henry placed 3rd out of 8. I am so very proud of him. And I totally feel invincible when I walk around with him. Like, "yeah, wanna say that in front of my husband? Didn't think so" kinda deal.
The end (for now).
Thursday, June 12, 2014
magic
Let me just talk about God's provision for a minute.
1. My pay checks are set up to be about 2 months behind; at the beginning of June I got paid for the work I did in April. Well, in March, we had so much bad weather, coupled with spring break for one of my classes, that I worked about half of my usual hours. I just knew that my May paycheck was going to be half of what I typically get. But guess what? It was maybe 10% less. And that was the month we had a lot to buy for the kids.
2. Just this afternoon I opened my mailbox and lo and behold, I had received a long-lost state tax refund from 2011.
So during this time in our lives, when we are spending a whole lot of money to prepare for kids who aren't our own and who might be with us for mere days, we have been given extra money. You may call that coincidence, but I do not.
Happy Thursday!
1. My pay checks are set up to be about 2 months behind; at the beginning of June I got paid for the work I did in April. Well, in March, we had so much bad weather, coupled with spring break for one of my classes, that I worked about half of my usual hours. I just knew that my May paycheck was going to be half of what I typically get. But guess what? It was maybe 10% less. And that was the month we had a lot to buy for the kids.
2. Just this afternoon I opened my mailbox and lo and behold, I had received a long-lost state tax refund from 2011.
So during this time in our lives, when we are spending a whole lot of money to prepare for kids who aren't our own and who might be with us for mere days, we have been given extra money. You may call that coincidence, but I do not.
Happy Thursday!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
the perceived value of stay-at-home parents
Our foster training meeting yesterday had to be cancelled at the last minute, so I figured I'd publish this post I've had written, just waiting on an appropriate time. Fair warning: this is a long one. But worth it, I think. Also, I am in no way trying to offend working parents. This is meant to DEfend stay-at-home moms.
Jake Henry and I have had several discussions, but especially recently, about one of us (me) staying home with our children. One of the things we've had to focus on is how very difficult it will be - mainly emotionally/mentally. It seems to me that it's almost a cultural thing, where we live, that about 0.1% of mothers stay home with their children. And I am not about to make a judgment call on that. But because of that fact, I won't have a group of other stay-at-home moms with whom to share play dates and the woes of stay-at-home parenting. It will pretty much literally be me and the kids, at home, all day. And that's gonna be hard.
Because of the lack of stay-at-home parents in this area, it's also going to be hard on Jake Henry. He hasn't really seen that whole situation play out, and doesn't know what to expect. He has never been around it. Around here, from what I can tell, moms and dads both work outside the home. By the time they have kids, grandma retires and watches the kids. And when those kids grow up and have their own kids, that's when mom retires and then watches her grandkids. That's the cycle. Which is really cool for a lot of families. What I grew up with, though, was my mom at home watching us. And it's what I've always wanted for my kids. Also, until my brother-in-law finishes dental school, my mother-in-law won't retire (and we live a distance from my parents). So that's not even an option for us. Both of Jake's grandmas are alive and well and actually pretty young (early 70s), but that's a lot to ask of them, especially as they're taking care of their aging husbands (and all women can imagine that an aging man is hard to take care of!). So our options right now would be daycare or me staying home. And me staying home is exponentially more preferable.
Stay-at-home parenting will be so hard financially, in addition to what I've already mentioned. We've all heard the news in NC about the teacher pay raise debate. Well Jake makes less than most teachers we know. And he sticks his hands in animal carcasses all day, every day. He deserves a pay raise (in addition to teachers!). But until that happens (and even if it does, let's face it), we will be living tightly. Granted, we are extremely wise with our money. No credit cards, no debt except the house (other than mine of student loans and a car, which are my responsibility and will come out of my money), rarely eating out, few processed foods, aware of our energy use, etc. etc. etc. But that is still not a lot of money to live on. So don't think we are just rolling in dough so I can stay home, and have a nanny, and get pedicures every week.
With all of that being said...I can so see how around here, people could tend to look at me and wonder what I would do all day other than watch soaps and eat bonbons. Well. I didn't realize until I got married how much of a job keeping a home is, in and of itself. Personally (don't you dare comment something snarky), I would tend to advocate for married women staying home from the workforce in general. Getting the knack of meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, etc., is hard. You are literally an event planner and coordinator, chef, maid, and accountant the moment you say "I do". I spent four years in college preparing for a future I am not living, and no time at all preparing to be a wife and mother. When we were first married, I worked full-time. When that company asked me to be so unethical I couldn't take it, we took a leap of faith and I worked only on the weekends, making about 30% of what I had before. We survived - and actually thrived - on our reduced income. And I had time to really get good at my primary job: that of a wife. I did have time for extras, like volunteering with a cause I believe in strongly, and joining a book club at the library. Having jumped from my parents' home to my husband's home, that time really allowed me to grow up a little and become more well-rounded. So when I think of staying at home, then adding children on top of that, I can imagine how difficult that will be! Time management will obviously be key.
And this brings me to my point: where is the respect for stay-at-home parenting? I would like to say (for those who don't already know) that it is not weird for parents to raise their own kids. It is not lazy. Someone's got to do it, so why not me? And as much as Jake Henry and I have prayed for kids...why in the world would we want to only see them a few hours a day? I'm sure many working moms reading this will say they don't want to be away from their kids that much, and I know that. We have had more time than we intended to prepare for kids and me coming home. And remember what I said earlier - we will be living on less than what a lot of people realize. With a lot of hard work, and planning, and preparation, it can be done. Oh, and both spouses have to be on board. So I get that it doesn't work out for everyone. But when it does work out (not luxuriously, but enough to get by), let's support those families. Seems to me they don't have a lot of people on their side.
I sincerely hope my rant has awakened people to the value of stay-at-home parents. Obviously, we are very conservative and typically advocate traditional gender roles. This is not about politics. It's about seeing someone else's choices, and appreciating and respecting them (and I think even you liberals go for that! ;) ) Just as I ache for my friends who miss their babies all day long while they're working and away from them, and I so admire how they get everything done, I hope working parents will look at stay-at-home parents and admire someone who can stay in a house with only kids all day and still manage to be sane(ish). And with that, I'll just end it here. :)
Jake Henry and I have had several discussions, but especially recently, about one of us (me) staying home with our children. One of the things we've had to focus on is how very difficult it will be - mainly emotionally/mentally. It seems to me that it's almost a cultural thing, where we live, that about 0.1% of mothers stay home with their children. And I am not about to make a judgment call on that. But because of that fact, I won't have a group of other stay-at-home moms with whom to share play dates and the woes of stay-at-home parenting. It will pretty much literally be me and the kids, at home, all day. And that's gonna be hard.
Because of the lack of stay-at-home parents in this area, it's also going to be hard on Jake Henry. He hasn't really seen that whole situation play out, and doesn't know what to expect. He has never been around it. Around here, from what I can tell, moms and dads both work outside the home. By the time they have kids, grandma retires and watches the kids. And when those kids grow up and have their own kids, that's when mom retires and then watches her grandkids. That's the cycle. Which is really cool for a lot of families. What I grew up with, though, was my mom at home watching us. And it's what I've always wanted for my kids. Also, until my brother-in-law finishes dental school, my mother-in-law won't retire (and we live a distance from my parents). So that's not even an option for us. Both of Jake's grandmas are alive and well and actually pretty young (early 70s), but that's a lot to ask of them, especially as they're taking care of their aging husbands (and all women can imagine that an aging man is hard to take care of!). So our options right now would be daycare or me staying home. And me staying home is exponentially more preferable.
Stay-at-home parenting will be so hard financially, in addition to what I've already mentioned. We've all heard the news in NC about the teacher pay raise debate. Well Jake makes less than most teachers we know. And he sticks his hands in animal carcasses all day, every day. He deserves a pay raise (in addition to teachers!). But until that happens (and even if it does, let's face it), we will be living tightly. Granted, we are extremely wise with our money. No credit cards, no debt except the house (other than mine of student loans and a car, which are my responsibility and will come out of my money), rarely eating out, few processed foods, aware of our energy use, etc. etc. etc. But that is still not a lot of money to live on. So don't think we are just rolling in dough so I can stay home, and have a nanny, and get pedicures every week.
With all of that being said...I can so see how around here, people could tend to look at me and wonder what I would do all day other than watch soaps and eat bonbons. Well. I didn't realize until I got married how much of a job keeping a home is, in and of itself. Personally (don't you dare comment something snarky), I would tend to advocate for married women staying home from the workforce in general. Getting the knack of meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, etc., is hard. You are literally an event planner and coordinator, chef, maid, and accountant the moment you say "I do". I spent four years in college preparing for a future I am not living, and no time at all preparing to be a wife and mother. When we were first married, I worked full-time. When that company asked me to be so unethical I couldn't take it, we took a leap of faith and I worked only on the weekends, making about 30% of what I had before. We survived - and actually thrived - on our reduced income. And I had time to really get good at my primary job: that of a wife. I did have time for extras, like volunteering with a cause I believe in strongly, and joining a book club at the library. Having jumped from my parents' home to my husband's home, that time really allowed me to grow up a little and become more well-rounded. So when I think of staying at home, then adding children on top of that, I can imagine how difficult that will be! Time management will obviously be key.
And this brings me to my point: where is the respect for stay-at-home parenting? I would like to say (for those who don't already know) that it is not weird for parents to raise their own kids. It is not lazy. Someone's got to do it, so why not me? And as much as Jake Henry and I have prayed for kids...why in the world would we want to only see them a few hours a day? I'm sure many working moms reading this will say they don't want to be away from their kids that much, and I know that. We have had more time than we intended to prepare for kids and me coming home. And remember what I said earlier - we will be living on less than what a lot of people realize. With a lot of hard work, and planning, and preparation, it can be done. Oh, and both spouses have to be on board. So I get that it doesn't work out for everyone. But when it does work out (not luxuriously, but enough to get by), let's support those families. Seems to me they don't have a lot of people on their side.
I sincerely hope my rant has awakened people to the value of stay-at-home parents. Obviously, we are very conservative and typically advocate traditional gender roles. This is not about politics. It's about seeing someone else's choices, and appreciating and respecting them (and I think even you liberals go for that! ;) ) Just as I ache for my friends who miss their babies all day long while they're working and away from them, and I so admire how they get everything done, I hope working parents will look at stay-at-home parents and admire someone who can stay in a house with only kids all day and still manage to be sane(ish). And with that, I'll just end it here. :)
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