the post I didn't want to write

I haven't given an update on our fostering process in a while, and a few people have asked about it since The Call, so I figured I might as well let you all in on what's going on. I've been avoiding that.

If you'll recall (or not), we got fingerprinted in July, as part of the requirements for our licensing paperwork (Jake had actually been fingerprinted a couple of months prior, something to do with his security clearance for work). Notoriously that is a long part of the process. Then, we were informed
we forgot a particular piece of paperwork - which we "forgot" because the sheriff's department said we didn't need it. Anyway, we signed the paper, sent it in, and knew it would basically start the fingerprint processing over. That's among other things, of course. Our agency merged and we were caught in the middle. Our trainer suddenly and unexpectedly quit, leaving someone else all of her work. So now you're caught up. Until last week.

I emailed our new contact to check on the status of our fingerprints. We've been waiting on their clearance so she can send in our licensing info to Raleigh, and then we would have a 4-8 week turnaround before being licensed. So I emailed, and she called me back. Said she didn't have good news. Apparently, the SBI has no record of Jake's fingerprints. At all. Not even from when he did them for work. Just...none. It could have been something as simple as the person at the sheriff's department never hitting "send". I didn't cry, I calmly told Jake what happened, our contact sent us all our paperwork thusfar so we could hopefully prove to the sheriff's department that he had been fingerprinted by them SIX months ago. He went the next day...and the sheriff's department has moved. Vacated their building, leaving no sign of their new location. (Jake has since located it, but REALLY, Wilkes county? You do nothing to help your reputation.)

Bottom line: fingerprint processing takes 6-8 weeks. Licensing processing takes another 4-8 weeks after that. We are looking at being licensed around April-ish.

We started this whole thing in May. So a year out of our lives? No time at all. We've just been thinking, every step of the way, that we were SO close. I've quit my job. We ourselves have fulfilled all the requirements, most of them by July. That stuff has to be redone every two years. We KNOW God has a reason for this...and we are beyond ready to see what it is. So, um, that's it. Don't cry for me, Argentina. Just wanted to keep everyone in the loop.

courtship and engagements continued (again)

Sorry for no post last week; Thanksgiving left me playing a bit of catch-up. Today I will just list a few excerpts that I think speak for themselves and, for the most part, don't even need any updating.

• "Good manners always dictate that men and women be restrained about public demonstrations of their physical feeling toward one another." p 13. Amen.
• "...modern young people...should remind themselves that the [dating period] is a trial flight which can easily end in a crash landing." p 14. Meaning: your whole life is not - and you shouldn't act like it is - wrapped up in this person until "I do".
• "Except under extraordinary circumstances, a formal engagement should not last more than six months and most are three months or less. And any man or woman who lets the engagement run into a matter of years for any reason whatsoever is not a good marriage risk..." p 14. I've mentioned before that today, weddings take a little longer to plan. Many venues book quickly, and the wedding industry in general is suggesting to allow at least a year for the planning process. For logistic reasons I see no problem with this. There are also the situations where one or both of the engaged persons is/are still in school (although...why not wait to get engaged?). My brother is in the Air Force and he and his fiance are living half a country apart, so it makes sense that their wedding would take a little more time to plan. That being said, it is very possible to have a beautiful, budget-friendly wedding in a short amount of time. As I've mentioned before, mine was planned and pulled off in under 5 months.
• "If more engagements were honestly viewed before marriages are entered into there would be far fewer divorces. A man or woman should never be made to feel that by virtue of the exchange of an engagement ring he or she is irrevocably committed to the appointed marriage." p 14. AMEN. Figure out whether or not you are "compatible" or "want the same things out of life" before promising to God and witnesses that this person is the one you have chosen with whom to spend the rest of your life. I've broken an engagement and I (and he) survived, much more easily than if we had endured an unsuccessful marriage.
• However. "This does not mean that an engagement should be lightly entered into or lightly broken." p 14. When I became engaged the first time, I genuinely thought he was and wanted him to be the man I pledged myself to forever. Over time, I began to see that there were issues which, left unresolved, could greatly impact a marriage negatively. It was a hard decision to break it off, and for years afterward I was emotionally broken. But I knew that once I married, divorce would never be an option; and at the time the engagement was broken, there was not an assurance of a successful marriage. 

Side note: I am certainly not perfect, and certainly don't know everything. I share my experiences to show (in these instances) that difficult or seemingly impossible situations can be taken on in order to prevent worse ones. I hope they help you, and if not, I hope you'll appreciate anyway that I've shared them with you.

And I hope you're enjoying the etiquette posts! This is a subject I love, and am enjoying learning more about. Have a great week!

etiquette: courtship and engagements continued

Before I begin this week's post, I'd like to make a note about last week's: I wrote about how courtship is the time when a couple is "trying one another on", in a sense, and how dating couples are not married couples and shouldn't treat one another as if they were. Don't put the cart before the horse. But I failed to mention the opposite. Married couples are not dating couples, and marriage is not the test run. Marriage vows include the words "til death do us part" for a reason. I am saddened to see so many people in my generation being so quick to divorce. Now, I am not saying divorce is never ok. Test the waters through dating, then commit for life by marriage. Don't marry someone you weren't compatible with while dating. And don't use marriage as an equivalent to dating. Marriage is hard. And though there are occasions when one may find something out about a spouse they did not previously know, marriage is not the time to call it quits because of it. Again, there are legitimate reasons. Danger of oneself or one's children, naturally. But "we aren't compatible" is not an appropriate reason to divorce. For those of us who face really awful situations, and can't stand our spouses at times, but choose to continue on anyway...quick-to-divorce folks cheapen our commitment. They make the idea of marriage cheap, and so when people our age look around at married people, instead of honoring our commitment to one another and seeing clear boundaries, they see lines easily able to be crossed. I'm talking to you, "I'm going to continually contact and flirt with my married ex-boyfriend because there's always a chance (trust me, you are the last type he wants). And enough of that soapbox :)

Today's post has to do with the time right before an engagement occurs: "the conference with the father". I get that it seems totally old-fashioned, and is not always an option. Personally, I would not have said "yes" to any man who didn't first talk to my parents.

A girl's parents, especially if they have been supporting their daughter, have the right to know just how her fiance proposes to take care of her after the marriage, in short, what his income is and his savings, if any, and what may be his future expectations.

This may seem extreme, but I happen to 100% agree with Vanderbilt. My parents had spiritual questions, as well; but financial ones are wise. Even though today the majority of women work outside the home after marriage, and are basically financially independent of their husbands, it's still good to have an idea of where a man stands financially before marrying off a daughter to him. Vanderbilt continues by saying, "It is very comfortable to start married life on a sound financial basis." How true this is! I was not the best with money before I got married. My husband, on the other hand, had basically saved everything he had ever earned. We were able to purchase a modest (and perfect to us!) home, with a 20% down payment, avoiding costly additions to our monthly mortgage payment. My husband, his father, and his grandfathers then updated the home without us going in to debt. We were left with a modest emergency fund. When a financial advisor's services were offered to us, my husband was wise enough to recognize that though we are able to handle our day-to-day and month-to-month budget just fine, the long-term was beyond either of our knowledge. My husband has spent his entire life making wise money decisions, and that has been a great benefit to our marriage. Never once have we argued about money - the main factor in the majority of divorces today.

So I encourage you, if you are unmarried: require that any man seeking to marry you talk to your dad (or a father figure) before he asks you. A wise older person will know just the questions to ask - the ones you are too blinded by love to even think of :)

etiquette: courtship and engagements

My mom told me my introduction to this series was...harsh. Imagine that, me coming across as harsh. So, I'm sorry. That is not at all my intention (it really never is); I'm just pretty fed up with being associated, because of my age, with the crude, rude people now even rising to leadership positions in this world. Also, just a reminder: the things I will say are my opinion - how I think we can and should apply today the etiquette principles of yesteryear.

The "Courtship and Engagements" section has a lot that I want to talk about, so I'll break it up into several posts. I am at the age where a lot of my peers are already married (with kids), newly married, or hoping to be married soon. Here's what Amy Vanderbilt had to say (p. 10):

A fairly long courtship and a brief engagement seem to be a safe formula. The courtship period is casual and informal, without pledges on either side. It gives each a chance to know the other better--and yet make a graceful exit if that seems expedient.

I'll pause to comment here before continuing. I think we can all agree that "fairly long" then probably meant something different than what it means today. In my experience, however, this formula did work. My husband and I dated for just under a year before we were engaged - in fact, we had only met a year before becoming engaged - and were engaged for just under five months before our wedding. I know many, many people choose much longer engagements, usually because of the wedding planning process. While I don't fault anyone for that (I know some venues are in high demand!), I will say it is absolutely possible to have a beautiful, budget wedding in under six months. Once we were engaged, we were moving toward the goal of marriage, and we did so expediently. At that point there was no need for us to wait on anything. And as for the second part of the above paragraph...I wish I had dated a little more like this. I tended to think that the longer you date, the more serious you become. Which, in a sense, is true. But dating/courtship is not engagement, and no non-engaged couple should treat their relationship or each other as though they are promised to one another. If you like it, put a ring on it.

Vanderbilt continues:

It is impossible for a man and woman to know whether they are really suited to one another if they spend all their courtship time in the exclusive company of each other. Each should give the other an opportunity to expose to searching consideration his best and worst sides. They should see each other in the give and take of family life...

Say what you will, but the purpose of dating has always been to find a spouse. Even scientifically speaking, to find a mate with whom to procreate. So seeing how one another work in the context of a family is vital. Ladies, how a man treats his mother (or motherly figure) is how he will treat you. Obviously not right now, but within your own family dynamic. And vice versa: guys, a woman will treat you the way she treats her father (or fatherly figure). It has been quite the lesson for me, as my husband is not nearly as easily swayed as my daddy by batting eyelashes and downturned lip! And in general, it's beneficial to be around other people as you date. Life is not lived alone, nor between the two of you. You will learn all sorts of things - good and bad - about the way you both handle different situations when you give yourselves the opportunity to see each other in those situations.

And I'll stop there for today. There is a lot more on courtship and engagement, but I don't want to bore you! My hope is that you will read these little tidbits and be inspired to live your life with grace and class, and as such gradually apply them to your life. There is no reason - including and especially our present-day low-standards culture - we can't bring back higher standards of living and interacting with our fellow people. I sincerely hope you will enjoy this learning process as much as I am! Until next time..

introduction to etiquette: both my own and AV's

I am so beyond excited to begin a new series on etiquette. Anyone who knows me can attest this is right up my alley. As we enter the holiday season, I thought this would be as good a time as any to begin.

I am not nearly well-versed enough in the subject to consider myself anywhere close to being an expert. I will be reading, cover to cover, Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette: The Guide to Gracious Living (copyright most recently in 1963). Obviously, the book is old; so what I will do is summarize a section and then attempt to apply it to our modern lives. As for day-to-day etiquette, I strongly encourage you to peruse and subscribe to both the Daily Connoisseur and Annie Dean. These two women are considerably more knowledgeable than I, and do an excellent job at living out the principles of etiquette and social grace.

First, you may be wondering why I would desire to write on the subject of etiquette. I both crave and cultivate a beautiful life, and I think this is not only possible but necessary - regardless of one's station in life. I am appalled by the way my generation behaves themselves. Truly disgusted. "Women" show every body part they have, if not on the street, then through social media. "Men" think it is appropriate to honk their horns and whistle (although, to be fair, the women hands-down invite this attention). Most women my age seem to be on the lookout for their Prince Charming, yet they behave in such a way that no gentleman would want to introduce them to his mother. The women also put up with disrespectful treatment from men in the hopes that he will one day change his mind and decide to treat her the way she deserves. Ladies, he will not. The way a man treats you during courtship is the best he will treat you. He may (and should) continue that treatment beyond the wedding day, but giving you his last name will not turn him overnight into a knight in shining armor. Listen, I am totally aware we live in the 21st century and that everyone is both politically correct and "enlightened" in our modern society. That does not mean we can or should throw all etiquette out the window.

Now you may be thinking, who is she to tell me this? I am no one. No one in the eyes of this world, that is. I am firmly middle class American (which, by the way, is filthy rich when compared on an international level). My parents both grew up very poor. One of my grandmothers grew up as a share cropper - the next lowest standing to slavery. I was the first person in my family to go to college. I was almost a career military officer's wife (long story), but instead of being unhappily married in semi-high society, I chose to be happily married in the rural South. I have never been, am not now, nor will I or my children likely ever be high society. I wasn't born into it. So, you see, I am most certainly not qualified. But I am fascinated, and so desire for my generation to leave the crass in favor of what is classy.

So who will I look to? As I mentioned, the book on which I will be basing all of this was written by Amy Vanderbilt. In her introduction she says what applies to me and probably many of you: "Who needs a book of etiquette? Everyone does. The simplest family...needs to know at least the elementary rules."

So, let's begin, shall we?

some mom advice for ya

Trust me, I know more than you do. This is for moms:

While you're complaining about your stretch marks, I'm looking at my still flat(ish) stomach just willing it to stretch to support a growing bundle of joy.

While you're talking about sleepless nights up with little ones, I'm waking refreshed...and walk down my hallway, past a room with an empty crib.

While you're wishing your kids would pick up after themselves, I'm looking at my perfectly organized playroom. With its untouched toys.

While you're facing mounds of laundry you feel you'll never conquer, I continue to pull full-sized clothing out of my washer, just wishing I had reason to need to do more loads.

While you watch Frozen for the umpteenth time, I flip past Noggin and keep going...and it hurts.

When you talk about your pregnancy/birth stories and all you wish you'd done/had differently, I long to have any pregnancy or birth story at all.

And every time you look at me and tell me I'll change my mind when I have kids, or to be glad I have all this time with my husband, or to just wait til I have to deal with a screaming toddler in the middle of Target...I just hope to get the chance to prove you right someday.

Please don't misunderstand my point. I have an amazing, gentle, loving husband, with whom I am blessed to spend the rest of my life. And I do not take that for granted. I know so many people want so badly to find their perfect mate, or to be happy in their marriage. I only wanted to remind you to be grateful for everything about your current situation. There is always someone who would do anything to be in your shoes. Sometimes it helps to be reminded of that.

final meeting

Yesterday, we had our very last meeting with our trainer from Grandfather Home. The only thing we lacked was my high school diploma (the state won't accept college diplomas as proof of education!), so she took that. She hasn't received our fingerprinting info but she expects to any day. We had to read over everything she had compiled on us, and I have to say, it was interesting to see our whole lives boiled down to 20 pages of excerpts. And provided everything goes as planned, she will send in our licensing packet to Raleigh next Wednesday, October 1.

Because of staffing issues at the state level, we can reasonably expect an 8-week turnaround time. So, if our paperwork goes in October 1, it's safe to estimate we will be licensed by December 1. Obviously, this is much later than we had anticipated or hoped for when we started this journey. BUT. I will be leaving the class I teach during the mornings, and my last day is December 11. So we are choosing to look at this as best for the child(ren), even if it's not our preference. This means we will not have to utilize daycare at all. Even if we get a call that very day (December 1, say), either Jake can take off work until December 11, or my mom can come up, or "worst" case scenario, I could leave my job early. I informed the school of our decision in June, hoping they would find my replacement, and they have! A wonderful lady with tons of experience is currently my "assistant", but when I leave, she will be teaching the class. So it wouldn't be a big deal if I left a few days early.

When I asked if we would have a placement by Christmas, our trainer responded with a "probably"...but she warned us not to accept a placement just because we want a child for Christmas. She said if we aren't sure the child or children would be a good fit, "we want a child by Christmas" should not be the deciding factor. It will not be unicorns and rainbows. The adjustment period will be hard, and likely not over before Christmas, so it won't be Norman Rockwell by any means.

So we are praying for patience, and encouragement, and wisdom to know what to say to the first call we get. We are praying everything goes through quickly and that a nearly ideal placement will come our way ASAP. And in the meantime, I am determined to be a productive member of society and not allow myself to just be sad and waiting around, because who knows when a child will come our way. We are excited to see how God uses us and our time in the coming weeks, months, and years. Thank you again for your continued support and encouragement! It means the world to us :)

hurry up and wait

Ok, so this is not the military. But it sure feels like we have been doing a lot of rushing then waiting. So here's another little update for ya.

The agency we are going through, Grandfather Home for Children, is in the middle of merging with Barium Springs. Jake and I are completely done with everything on our end. But until the merger is complete, we can't sign off on our final paperwork and send it in to the state. We are currently hoping to sign everything next week, and have our licensing paperwork sent to Raleigh on October 1. From what I understand, there is about a 30 day turnaround time for us to actually receive our official license in the mail. So that puts us at October 31ish.

As soon as we are licensed, we can get a call at any time. However. We do know we will be doing respite care for some little girls who have foster parents - we will just be providing their foster parents with a little break for an afternoon or a weekend or whatever. That will give us a little practice before we have a child or children placed in our home. So, I'm guessing within a week or two after we get our license, we will watch those girls maybe a couple of times, and within a week or two after that (approximately, of course - one can't plan these things), we will get a placement.

As I've mentioned before, I would have loved to have had a placement by Jake's 30th birthday, but we knew from the get-go that would be basically impossible. I totally thought for sure we would have a placement by my birthday in late October (which will mark two years that we've been trying to conceive - no longer "about a year", but actual "years"). We won't even be licensed by then. I would now love to have a placement by Thanksgiving, but that's cutting it awfully close. So I'm really, really hoping we have one by Christmas. We are honestly getting a little discouraged by all of this. The thought of a Christmas without a child's excitement is pretty sad. Not in general, but for us who have been wanting one, and now actively preparing for one (or more). So, it would be great if you would join us in prayer for that. I feel kind of silly asking that; it seems so trivial. But at this point, I'm walking every day by a closed door leading to a room fully prepared and ready for children, and spending time in my sunroom-turned-part-playroom where no kids have touched the toys and books on the shelves. So, yeah, I've been in a funk lately.

Anyway. Just wanted to keep everyone in the loop since it's apparently been two months since I last posted. I will definitely let you know when things are moving forward! Thanks for all the support and prayers and excitement you've shared with us. We so appreciate it :)

update. a fun one!

Our last foster parent training session is on Wednesday. What?! It's surreal that this milestone is already upon us. Of course, we're thrilled! The final touches will be put on the kids' room this week. We've moved all the kids' clothes down to the basement because we have compiled everything we need! We have a couple of basic outfits for each gender, each size, each season. What a relief to have that accomplished! Of course 2-3 outfits won't last very long, but it's enough to buy us some time so we don't have to rush out and buy a lot of clothes as soon as we get a child. Cloth diapers are stashed and ready to be used, should we need them. As are bibdanas. Just got our first bottles - glass :) (I'm sure there are plenty of people who will tell me that's not practical. Oh well.) So finally I have given an update that shows some real progress! After Wednesday, our trainer has to finish all of our paperwork - a 25-page document she sends to the state of NC to tell them who we are - and the state has to look it over and approve it. We get fingerprinted. We have a home inspection and get our fire extinguisher updated or whatever. And sometime in September we will receive a little packet in the mail containing our license to be foster parents for two children and one infant. We should have a placement by my 27th birthday :)

minimalism, parenting, and why it's so important that we be debt-free

Doesn't sound like the most interesting blog post ever, but oh well. It sort of ties in to fostering (for us), and it will do while we are in between updates.

Minimalism. I am by no means an expert. But after studying and applying it for the past year, I do know one thing: it looks different for everyone. There's a scale, if you will. We do not number our belongings or live out of one suitcase as we travel abroad. We already live in a small house, though, and do not plan on upsizing until/unless we absolutely have to. 1300 sq ft is more than enough for two people. We've kind of figured out how to fit 4 children. But if we do end up with 4, when they get to be teenagers it will be a bit tight. I say all that so you can see how we are not space-hungry, not nearly as much as the rest of our generation. Jake Henry and I both have capsule wardrobes. Our children will, too. If there are ever too many toys to fit in the toy box, we absolutely will not go out and buy a bigger toy box. We will purge toys. When you own less stuff, you spend less money. That's the real kicker for us. There's less upkeep, less replacing, less time cleaning, and more enjoyment of what we do have.

Parenting. Sort of going along with minimalism... We want our parenting to look different. We don't particularly like what we see in this day and age. I've mentioned before that electronics will be closely monitored and timed. Neither Jake Henry nor I want our kids to "have a better life than we had". Our childhoods were great! Neither of us were the richest (monetarily) kids in school (especially when I went to private college! wow!), but we weren't the poorest either. What we do want for our kids is a more simple childhood than just about any we see today. With less time in front of the TV, what ever will we do with them? Well, we want them to play outside. Where I can see from the window, but not necessarily be out there with them yelling to not climb that tree. I've read articles about how American parents are the most anal, and the kids then grow up to be stressed and need therapy and be anal with their kids. Our parents and grandparents did not have the kind of supervision parents today give their kids. My mom has a scar from where her brother cut her with a machete. She lived. I'm not trying to downplay the need for safety, not at all. I tend to be pretty anal myself...and I don't want to be, for my kids' sakes. And we don't want to be driving all over the world all the time for each kid to be in multiple sporting events. Of course we want them to pursue their passions. One at a time. And if we ever start to get stressed because there aren't enough hours in the day or we aren't spending enough time together as a family, then our kids will sit out a season. They won't lose potential scholarships for it. We just really want simple. The way our parents and grandparents grew up.

Debt. Obviously, I talk about this a lot on the blog. I'll just recap. Debt = any money you owe to anyone to pay for something you already have or used to have. Most people just think of credit cards, but it actually includes medical bills, cars, loans, homes. Everything. One-time purchases that cost more than you could pay with cash. Just to clarify further, debt does not include recurring bills such as electricity or cable. We are fortunate enough to have no credit card debt. Not because we are so wealthy we don't need it, but because if we don't have cash (or debit card), we won't buy something. We have one car payment, I have student loans, and we have a house. My student loans were acquired before we got married, so they are my responsibility. The car is mine, but we both benefit from its use. And the house is both of ours. So what's the big deal? That's all pretty normal, right? Of course it's normal. Which is sad. When we have less debt, we have fewer payments, which makes room in the budget. For us, right now, it's most important that I be able to stay home with our children. We feel it's best for our family. Especially with foster kids, since we may be the only positive or (healthily) loving influence they have in their sweet lives. But in order to stay home, I would have to have my student loans paid off. Because of how hard we've worked toward this goal, I would able to work very part-time, but not to leave work completely. We will continue to work hard toward the goal of not needing any income from me at all. We've made a plan. We know there's a thing called life, and plans rarely work out exactly, but we have one nonetheless. In a couple of years, I would be able to work one Saturday a month. A few years after that, not at all. Also in a couple of years, we will be able to start paying a little extra on the house. Not much, but a little. We don't want to be slaves to a lender for 30 years. Someone is probably thinking that it's so nice we will be able to do that, but not everyone can afford it. I think that when I read other blogs, especially ones talking about paying off their house in five years. But see, for us, our family is most important. We will do what it takes to do what's best for our family, while paying down as much debt as possible. We could pay off debt more quickly if I continued to work as much as possible. And while we are childless, I'm doing that. But once kids enter the picture, our priorities will change. And just to remind any doubters (of themselves): we will be living off of less than a teacher's salary. Of course teachers are important, but so is the guy who digs in carcasses to test meat to ensure its safety. The state of NC just hasn't recognized that yet. I don't say that to toot our horns, or to get pity. I say it to encourage you. If you've read this or any of my other financial posts, and you would love to implement some similar strategies but feel you just can't afford it, don't be discouraged! If we can do it, so can you. We actually prefer living on a tighter budget. It enables us to be creative, to spend more time together, and to trust God more.

So, like I said, not the most exciting post. But I felt it needed to be written.

an update and a resolution

1. This past week we had a training in Winston that was all about medicine administration. There is a crazy amount of detail to be logged and crazy amounts of paperwork. Foster parenting is not easy money; we will definitely be working for it! Basically, we will have to document every single time we give a child any medication, including not only controlled substances (like ADHD medication), but also over-the-counter, and even things like sunscreen and bug spray. We are a little overwhelmed, but just like everything else, we're gonna let it sink in for a bit. We have finally gotten our playroom/office to a place we want it -- meaning, super cute :) We are still thinking September for when we will be licensed. Our trainer says the average wait time for a placement is a month at most. So sometime in October we will likely have a child/children (obviously there is no way to plan these things).

2. On to my resolution. I'm reading this book called Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford. Basically, she advocates being hands free (from electronic devices) to focus on the people in your life. I'm assuming everyone reading this would agree that is important. BUT. How many of us actually implement that? So basically I'm going public with my decision to be a Hands Free Mama (ignore the lack of hyphen; it's hers, not mine). I've started by not taking my phone into my bedroom. I'll need to get an alarm clock, but I used to find myself so often scrolling through e-mails, or feeds, or whatever. And my bedroom is for sleeping and relaxing. I also want to set my phone aside when I'm teaching. It's easy to check it quickly when my students are busy with something. But that's stealing time from them. Even more importantly, when I'm with my family, my phone needs to be away. Especially when we get foster kids. So if you try to contact me and don't hear back immediately, it's because I'm focused on the people in my presence. Not only that, but my kids will follow it as well. They won't get cell phones as early as everyone else these days. They won't get unlimited access to the iPad or television. I want to teach them that real-life experiences, with real-life, in-the-flesh people, are worth being fully present. I pinned something awhile ago that said "kids won't remember their best day of television". This is going to be difficult for us, as their parents. I can totally see how electronics are convenient babysitters, even for a short time. But I want NONE of that. As a perfectionist, this is very difficult for me to say, but: I would rather my house go uncleaned for a month if it means I can spend time with people and keep my children from mindless television watching. Who's with me?

why a Pampered Chef party is really important to me

Can't think of a good way to introduce this, so I'll just start.

I have a friend who is in the process of adopting from Ethiopia. She and her husband have two sweet little boys, and felt like God was calling them to add to their family again, but through adoption this time. She called me the other day and asked if I would be interested in hosting a Pampered Chef party for her, as they are trying to come up with the last little bit of money they need for travels to Ethiopia to pick up their precious baby. And I said absolutely! First, just a few days before her call, I was thinking about how much I enjoy my Pampered Chef products. I only have a couple, but whenever I use them, I feel so fancy. Kinda...pampered. And second - but most importantly - how cool is it that I am able to help out a friend who is in a somewhat similar boat? Fostering and adoption are two different things, but definitely related. Especially taking into consideration all of the hoops to jump through, and paperwork, and atypical preparation for welcoming a child to your family. Pregnant people get at least one baby shower, 9 months to prepare, and overwhelming support from everyone -- from family and friends to doctors and endless books. Foster and adoptive parents basically get as much help as they can drum up themselves. But I digress.

Anyway... I agreed to host a Pampered Chef party. And I'm telling you about it because I want as many people to come as possible! It will be on Tuesday, July 22, at 6:30. I've never actually been to a party before, but I know I love their products. And I'm a huge advocate of cooking at home and family meals being eaten together -- avoiding processed foods, overpriced dining out, and the dissolution of the family unit (maybe a slight exaggeration on that one).

So mark your calendars, ladies! Your men are welcome to come, but Jake Henry says the women can spend more money when the men aren't there to try to talk them out of it :) I'll send e-vites or something closer to time, but just wanted to get the word out now. And also explain why it's especially important to me.

Oh, and our next training meeting is tomorrow (Friday), so I'll try to post another update in a couple of days. Au revoir!

things I wish you knew (or would at least think about before speaking)

in no particular order...

1. "How's the baby making coming?"
Um...really?! How is that in any way appropriate for anyone to ask anyone else?? There is a tactful way to broach the subject if you and I are semi-close friends, and I do appreciate your interest if that's the case. But basically, I'll tell you if/when we get pregnant. If we're close, I'll tell you right after we tell our families. If we're not close, then I guess you'll find out when we decide to announce it (or if you see us out with a newborn baby boy with a beard, it's a safe guess he's biologically ours).

2. "Have you gotten your kids yet?"
Granted, I know more about the system than the average person. But how is it possible for you to think that all one has to do is sign up, and they're handed a kid -- especially a kid who has been abused or neglected?? Seriously, people. They do background checks. There's training. It takes time. Just use some common sense. And if you see us with a kid to whom I am speaking Spanish, or cornrowing their hair, or who has squinty eyes, or is older than the amount of time it's been since we last saw you, then go ahead and assume that we've gotten our kid(s). (also, just to clarify in case you haven't been told: we're looking at being licensed in September; that's the earliest we'll get a placement)

3. "Have you looked into treatments?"/"I'll hook you up with ___ so you can talk about your treatment options"/etc.
It's kind of you to care like that. Really, it is. But...have you considered that maybe we don't want to do treatments? Like, that we could actually choose not to? We have by no means exhausted all options. We haven't even looked into them. For a couple of reasons. First, we're not entirely sure what we think about the morality of them. You know, the whole "playing God" thing (among other issues). And that is totally a personal thing. We have close friends and know of many others who have gone through fertility treatments, and we are in no way saying they were wrong or sinning or anything like that. We just aren't sure how we feel. Also, we don't have $20,000+ to spend on anything. We're the type who would prefer to pay cash. But even if we had that kind of money sitting around...fertility treatments are not guaranteed. It's not our hearts' desire to give birth; it's our desire to be parents. So we'd rather spend that money on an actual child (like through adoption). That's not the only reason we're fostering, but it's a definite bonus that there is $0 involved in adopting a child or children through the foster care system. So, no, we haven't gone through any treatments. And we likely never will.

I hope this came across as more informational than emotional. I've read a couple of those buzzfeed and other articles lately along the lines of "20 questions you should never ask...", and I thought it'd be helpful to write one myself. Because, to be fair, this is kind of uncharted territory -- not only for us, but for those around us, as well. So now you know :)

training session 2

We had our second training session Friday. Jennifer was in the middle of making a placement during our session, so she let us know ahead of time that she might have to leave at any moment. She ended up staying the whole time, but now we see this will likely be a regular thing - placements interrupting our sessions/timeline. Which is absolutely fine, because placing children in loving homes is why we're all doing this anyway.

Basically, she went over the questions we had answered about the first book she left with us. It was pretty eye-opening to be able to see things from a different angle. For example: a mom hasn't come home in several days, leaving her 10-year-old in charge of the younger siblings. That's considered abandonment, which is grounds for removal of the children from the home. Everyone reading this will agree that removal is appropriate, and probably be a little disgusted with the mom, and not want her to have her kids back ever. BUT. This particular mom has been left in the lurch by her husband (no ex) who never pays child support. She is 28 and has four children for whom she is the sole provider. All she does is work and take care of children. She feels hopeless, and has no time whatsoever to be in anything other than survival mode. She can't take that and needs an escape. (This is not a real person, FYI, it was an example given in our book!) So while abandoning her children was definitely wrong...I can't help but ache for her. I'm a woman. Close to her age. And I can't imagine what I would do in her situation.

But anyway, we do things like that. Learn to look at the back story and really connect with the birth parents on a human, we're-all-in-the-same-boat way. It will make temporarily caring for their children easier when we can truly desire to help and work with the birth parents.

That's pretty much all of the updating I have. We're one training session closer to being licensed. I'm still thinking early- to mid-September is when we'll have our license in hand. Jake and I have recently made some pretty big decisions, but I'll have to wait to disclose those. Our lives now revolve around children we've never met, and didn't give birth to, and who might only be with us for weeks. But we could be the only positive influence they'll ever have - the only example of what a strong, loving marriage and family look like - and we're adjusting our home and relationship and lives accordingly.

One last thing: on Saturday, Jake competed in his second powerlifting meet. Last year he was in the 220 weight class, but this year at weigh-in he was 221 lbs, so he was in the 242 weight class. Being the lightest person in the class, and only having competed once before, and missing one of his goal weights (to lift), my Jake Henry placed 3rd out of 8. I am so very proud of him. And I totally feel invincible when I walk around with him. Like, "yeah, wanna say that in front of my husband? Didn't think so" kinda deal.

The end (for now).

magic

Let me just talk about God's provision for a minute.

1. My pay checks are set up to be about 2 months behind; at the beginning of June I got paid for the work I did in April. Well, in March, we had so much bad weather, coupled with spring break for one of my classes, that I worked about half of my usual hours. I just knew that my May paycheck was going to be half of what I typically get. But guess what? It was maybe 10% less. And that was the month we had a lot to buy for the kids.

2. Just this afternoon I opened my mailbox and lo and behold, I had received a long-lost state tax refund from 2011.

So during this time in our lives, when we are spending a whole lot of money to prepare for kids who aren't our own and who might be with us for mere days, we have been given extra money. You may call that coincidence, but I do not.

Happy Thursday!

the perceived value of stay-at-home parents

Our foster training meeting yesterday had to be cancelled at the last minute, so I figured I'd publish this post I've had written, just waiting on an appropriate time. Fair warning: this is a long one. But worth it, I think. Also, I am in no way trying to offend working parents. This is meant to DEfend stay-at-home moms.

Jake Henry and I have had several discussions, but especially recently, about one of us (me) staying home with our children. One of the things we've had to focus on is how very difficult it will be - mainly emotionally/mentally. It seems to me that it's almost a cultural thing, where we live, that about 0.1% of mothers stay home with their children. And I am not about to make a judgment call on that. But because of that fact, I won't have a group of other stay-at-home moms with whom to share play dates and the woes of stay-at-home parenting. It will pretty much literally be me and the kids, at home, all day. And that's gonna be hard.

Because of the lack of stay-at-home parents in this area, it's also going to be hard on Jake Henry. He hasn't really seen that whole situation play out, and doesn't know what to expect. He has never been around it. Around here, from what I can tell, moms and dads both work outside the home. By the time they have kids, grandma retires and watches the kids. And when those kids grow up and have their own kids, that's when mom retires and then watches her grandkids. That's the cycle. Which is really cool for a lot of families. What I grew up with, though, was my mom at home watching us. And it's what I've always wanted for my kids. Also, until my brother-in-law finishes dental school, my mother-in-law won't retire (and we live a distance from my parents). So that's not even an option for us. Both of Jake's grandmas are alive and well and actually pretty young (early 70s), but that's a lot to ask of them, especially as they're taking care of their aging husbands (and all women can imagine that an aging man is hard to take care of!). So our options right now would be daycare or me staying home. And me staying home is exponentially more preferable.

Stay-at-home parenting will be so hard financially, in addition to what I've already mentioned. We've all heard the news in NC about the teacher pay raise debate. Well Jake makes less than most teachers we know. And he sticks his hands in animal carcasses all day, every day. He deserves a pay raise (in addition to teachers!). But until that happens (and even if it does, let's face it), we will be living tightly. Granted, we are extremely wise with our money. No credit cards, no debt except the house (other than mine of student loans and a car, which are my responsibility and will come out of my money), rarely eating out, few processed foods, aware of our energy use, etc. etc. etc. But that is still not a lot of money to live on. So don't think we are just rolling in dough so I can stay home, and have a nanny, and get pedicures every week.

With all of that being said...I can so see how around here, people could tend to look at me and wonder what I would do all day other than watch soaps and eat bonbons. Well. I didn't realize until I got married how much of a job keeping a home is, in and of itself. Personally (don't you dare comment something snarky), I would tend to advocate for married women staying home from the workforce in general. Getting the knack of meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, etc., is hard. You are literally an event planner and coordinator, chef, maid, and accountant the moment you say "I do". I spent four years in college preparing for a future I am not living, and no time at all preparing to be a wife and mother. When we were first married, I worked full-time. When that company asked me to be so unethical I couldn't take it, we took a leap of faith and I worked only on the weekends, making about 30% of what I had before. We survived - and actually thrived - on our reduced income. And I had time to really get good at my primary job: that of a wife. I did have time for extras, like volunteering with a cause I believe in strongly, and joining a book club at the library. Having jumped from my parents' home to my husband's home, that time really allowed me to grow up a little and become more well-rounded. So when I think of staying at home, then adding children on top of that, I can imagine how difficult that will be! Time management will obviously be key.

And this brings me to my point: where is the respect for stay-at-home parenting? I would like to say (for those who don't already know) that it is not weird for parents to raise their own kids. It is not lazy. Someone's got to do it, so why not me? And as much as Jake Henry and I have prayed for kids...why in the world would we want to only see them a few hours a day? I'm sure many working moms reading this will say they don't want to be away from their kids that much, and I know that. We have had more time than we intended to prepare for kids and me coming home. And remember what I said earlier - we will be living on less than what a lot of people realize. With a lot of hard work, and planning, and preparation, it can be done. Oh, and both spouses have to be on board. So I get that it doesn't work out for everyone. But when it does work out (not luxuriously, but enough to get by), let's support those families. Seems to me they don't have a lot of people on their side.

I sincerely hope my rant has awakened people to the value of stay-at-home parents. Obviously, we are very conservative and typically advocate traditional gender roles. This is not about politics. It's about seeing someone else's choices, and appreciating and respecting them (and I think even you liberals go for that! ;) ) Just as I ache for my friends who miss their babies all day long while they're working and away from them, and I so admire how they get everything done, I hope working parents will look at stay-at-home parents and admire someone who can stay in a house with only kids all day and still manage to be sane(ish). And with that, I'll just end it here. :)

update on our food savings

I feel like I write this post about once a month. The original post is here and the most recent one is here. But our budget is constantly evolving, and we are always finding new/different ways to save money. So here's how we're currently saving on with our grocery bill:

1. Amazon Subscribe & Save - I've mentioned this before. We're officially hooked. We get at least 5 items every month, so we get the 15% discount instead of just 5%. I get as many of our food items this way as possible, since the discount enables us to get organic things we wouldn't otherwise be able to find or afford. I also get some cleaning supplies (I know, I should just make my own, and I do some of them; but with me working so much right now, it's just easier this way) and household items like toilet paper. We get as much as absolutely possible (some things you have to buy in such bulk that we can't afford to do it, and some things they don't have, etc.), even things that would be about the same price in the store, because it gets delivered to our door. On the 5th of the month. And I don't have to go get it or carry it in and out of the car. It makes my life easier.

2. No. Processed. Foods. I can't reiterate this enough. The healthiest and cheapest way to shop in the grocery store is around the perimeter. My grocery list now consists of: frozen chicken, frozen tilapia, frozen shrimp, milk, soy milk, eggs, cheese, Italian ice (we all have our vices), sandwich thins or flatbread, deli meat cut at the counter, spinach, berries, bananas, another fruit (whatever's in season), and fresh flowers. Every single one of those things (except the bread) is located on the perimeter of the store. We do buy frozen pizzas, enough for one pizza night per week, but really that's only because I work some nights and have from 2:30-4 pm at home those days. I actually feel fancier shopping this way. By avoiding processed foods, we have more money to spend on fresh fruit and other healthy options. We buy the frozen chicken because it's cheaper, and if I had any option other than Food Lion, I could probably find hormone-free frozen chicken, and we would get that. Of course there are times we buy different things, like the other night when we wanted to do s'mores. But our regular, typical grocery list is exactly what I listed above. (Baking supplies, etc. I've been getting from Amazon.)

3. Shop less often. If you've been reading my blog you'll remember that I grocery shop once a month. Shopped once a month. I now go every two weeks. The idea is still the same: the less you shop, the fewer temptations you encounter while shopping. Since I really work hard to only shop the perimeter of the store, however, I don't see as many of the temptations that are down the aisles. And the reason I go more frequently now is to get the fresh things. So my first shopping trip of the month, I'll get all the frozen foods and things that will last the whole month. Halfway through the month, I'll just restock the fresh things that go bad more quickly. Spinach and deli meat last two weeks. As far as fruit, we'll eat berries first, then bananas, then things we have to peel (this last time it was the kiwi, then a pear, then pineapple). So far I have not completely run out of fruit by the end of the two weeks.

I hope this helps you when meal planning and grocery shopping. This latest method has enabled us to stay under $200 for a month's worth of food and household items, even with Jake doing powerlifting and eating about as much as two average men. Oh, and it's way healthier, too. Happy shopping!

Intro Training Session

We met with our training lady yesterday for the first time. We weren't really sure what to expect. Basically, she explained to us how the system works and the whole point of foster and adoptive parenting. The system's main goal is the reunification and strengthening of families. I think I've mentioned that I've heard people say, "I could never foster; it would be so hard to give those kids back." And I totally get that. But especially after the way she explained things yesterday, I just can't imagine not having the heart to fully participate in the system. Because all parents have struggles, and need extra help from time to time. It really does take a village to raise a child. And the system is part of that village - working with parents and children and foster families to strengthen the birth family and reunify them if at all possible. And if it's not possible, that's when adoptive families come in.

The lady (her name is Jennifer) then explained to us what our timeline looked like. Basically, 6 weeks from yesterday will be our last training session. It will take her about a month after that to finish our licensing paperwork (a 25-page document that tells the state of NC who we are) and send it in, then another couple of weeks for the license to come in the mail. So around September, if everything goes according to schedule, we should be officially licensed. After that, we just wait for her to get a call about children that fit the description of the ones we would be willing to take. The child(ren) might be in our home for 3 days, or 6 years, or forever.

Jennifer then walked through our home with us to point out anything we might want to change/fix/whatever before we get inspected. Our basement door has a deadbolt that locks with a key from inside, so we will have to get one of the regular deadbolts for that. We need about a bazillion of those clear thingies to plug in outlets. We have to move cleaning supplies and paint and anything toxic out of reach (duh). We will need some supplies so we can double lock medicines and vitamins, and guns and ammunition have to be in separate locked containers. And we need some more dressers. Kids have to each have their own bed, closet space, and dresser. We have one big dresser we were planning on them sharing while they're little, but Jennifer doesn't think that's allowed. So we are thinking of two nightstands with two or three drawers each, so they can fit in our small space, then as the kids grow and we split up the genders into separate bedrooms, those can be used as actual nightstands.

So now we have about 100 pages to read, 4 pages of questions to answer, and 5 thick packets of information to fill out. By Tuesday. Excuse us for having no social life for the next 6 weeks to 18 years!

on our to-do

Next week we will begin our training; so for now, I will just post what all we will be doing/needing/purchasing next. We have put the bunk beds together, so all beds are in the room. What next?

The biggest thing that still needs to be done is putting in a closet system of sorts. The closet in that bedroom covers all of one wall, with access on each end. In the middle section I want big shelves. One side of the closet will house the dresser/changing table. I still want a shelf up top and maybe one bar for hanging clothes. On the other side I want three bars for hanging clothes and a shelf up top. So we will need to purchase the materials and put that in. And by "we" I mean Jake and possibly our dads :)

Beyond that, we just have some purchases to make. Big things like a high chair and car seats for all ages. A few more cloth diapers. Cloth diaper accessories, like a pail and liner and something to hold the wipes that I will likely make. Plates and cups and utensils for kids and babies. Maybe a rug and wall decal for their room, since there is nothing kid-like about the decor. I'm not big on characters, but it don't want it to look completely adult. Clothes in various sizes. Toys...but I hesitate to say that. Of course I want toys, but I am so not into the plastic noise makers. I like wooden and old-fashioned.

And I think that's it! This is all I know to update you on for now, but as of next Wednesday we will be progressing even further in the process as far as the system goes. We can't wait!

where we are

Sorry for not posting lately, but Jake Henry and I took a little trip. It was weird and fun and scary realizing that it was likely our last (and only, not counting our honeymoon) trip by ourselves! We went to D.C. and it was amazing; neither of us had been since elementary school (to Jake that was up through 8th grade--weird!), so it was great to go as an adult who actually cares. Anyway. The point of this post is to let you know where we are in this whole fostering process.

We originally planned to foster through our county, but were introduced to a private agency, and we decided to go through them instead. We have sent in our application and it has been approved. We have a meeting set up at the end of this month to begin our training. That will take about 6 weeks. We will also be training to foster special needs children, so that may take a little longer. At some point we will also need a fire inspection and home study. I'm planning/hoping all of that can be done by mid-July, so the agency can send everything they need to in to Raleigh. And then we will get licensed! We had initially hoped to have a placement by Christmas, and now we know that is a definite possibility...although I think it would be kind of cool to have one by Jake Henry's birthday at the end of August. He always said he wanted to be a dad by the time he was 30. I feel like that's a stretch, but it would be cool :)

Because we will be busy once we begin training, we are trying to get the kids' room set up by the end of this month. We have a crib and it is assembled. We bought bunk beds and we're painting them. We have bedding. We need to put in a closet system. And we need clothes. I am trying to have three outfits per age, per gender, per season. So 3 summer outfits for a girl size 4T. Etc. We will get a clothing allowance for the kids, but we don't want to be totally unprepared. I hate the thought of a child being ripped from his home, dropped off with strangers, and rushing out to buy all new clothes. I want to be able to tell a child - with words and actions - "we've been waiting for you!" regardless of the child's age or gender or time of year. Three outfits should allow us at least 24-48 hours to just get to know the child, and let them become somewhat comfortable we us and our home, before we go buy them a wardrobe.

So that's where we are. Prepping like crazy to have a room and closet furnished for any child aged 0-6, any gender, by the end of the month. Whew :)

so what are we getting ourselves in to?

We have learned a lot about this process just in the past few weeks. The purpose of foster care is to reunite birth families. So all along the way, that will be our goal. If/when any of the children become available for adoption, that will tickle our socks off. But in the meantime, we are going to simply wake up every day and choose to love and care for our children as best we can for as long as they are with us (and really, isn't that what every parent does? No one is promised tomorrow, and parenting - in the home anyway - only lasts for about 18 years or so. The whole point of parenthood is to love them and teach them how to operate in this world).

We're requesting children ages 0-6. I'm 26, and we thought 20 years was a good amount of age difference. We are also requesting sibling groups. If we get a call for a 4- and 7-year-old brother and sister, we won't turn them down. We just didn't want calls for 17-year-olds when I'm closer to their age than to their parents'. As we get older, we'll raise our age limit.

We have elected to take additional training to become licensed for therapeutic foster care in addition to family (regular) foster care. This means we could get calls for special needs children. Having worked with special needs adults for the past 6 months, I don't know nearly enough about it, but I know enough to be absolutely in love with this population. And Jake is willing to learn :) Therapeutic could also mean behaviorally challenged kids, which is of course scary, but anyone who knows Jake could tell that he was made for this kind of parenting! He's big and scary looking but really he's a teddy bear. He doesn't yell; he just says something a certain way and you know he means it. Really, he doesn't hardly talk, so when he says anything you know he means it.

I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. But I have student loans. Those are my responsibility, not Jake's. So until those are paid off, I need to have an income. BUT. If we get pre-school aged children, or special needs children, or 3 or more at a time, I will come home. I will keep my night class, but other than that, I will come home. Things will be tight. But that's where our faith and creativity come in :)

We will be putting a bunk bed (preferably with a trundle) and a crib in our 2nd bedroom. So yes, we could potentially have 4 children in one bedroom. Is that cruel? Heck no. Ever been to Europe, or a big city, or the U.S. 30 years ago? It happens. And it's ok. We have a sunroom that will become a playroom, so all they will be doing is sleeping in the bedroom. As the children we take in get older, we'll split up the genders and use the sunroom as a bedroom (the previous owner did this). Or we'll finish the basement. Or something. But as long as we have little kids, there's no reason they can't share a bedroom. And we may only have one at a time anyway.

So there are some random details about what we're getting in to. More to come...

"paper pregnant"

In looking for a way to announce our decision to our little world, I came across the term "paper pregnant". It usually refers to adoptive parents, who have their paperwork and are awaiting the arrival of their child. But I think it can apply to foster parents as well. And boy, am I paper pregnant!

It's no secret that we have wanted to be pregnant for a while. We may still get pregnant, or we may never. I have longed to feel the first pangs of morning sickness, to have swollen ankles and not be able to sleep comfortably, and of course the "glow" and attention and all of that (if you have never dealt with infertility, I really do not care to hear the first word about how I do NOT want those things. I don't care who you are. :)). But it is uncanny how similarly I feel to a woman who is physically expecting! I am scatterbrained, all I do at home is rearrange, and I am excited and nervous all at the same time. In five minutes I can go from picking out bedroom colors to wondering if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. I want to get a placement tomorrow, but then I want tons more time to prepare my home. And obviously, we are in a waiting and preparation stage, just like any couple who is expecting.

Our budget will change; our lifestyle will change. Do I come home or keep working? And of course one thing that is very difficult for me is the breastmilk vs. formula issue. Had I had a biological baby, we would have been working our butts off to make breastfeeding work. Formula was my last option, even after a breastmilk bank. But with the possibility of a foster baby, it's all different. This is honestly such a difficult reality for me to be ok with! But you know what? If formula is the only option for feeding my baby, so be it. The baby will be getting fed. And that's just one of many decisions that pregnant women encounter that I have also struggled with.

So, we are paper pregnant. And we couldn't be happier. And we are so thrilled that our friends and family are supporting us in this. We can't wait until our baby/babies/toddler(s)/kid(s) get(s) here!

why foster?

Because God called us to. I could end this post here -- but I know there are people reading this who won't believe that. So I'll explain a little further.

We had talked about this possibility as being way in the future, and every time we mentioned it, we were only met with "that would be so hard, are you sure you can do it?" Now that we've decided to move forward sooner rather than later, the only response we've gotten is, "that's so exciting! You guys will be great at that!" Those responses are confirmation for us. There's a song on Christian radio and the guy is talking about all that's bad in the world. He says, "God, why don't You do something?" and God responds, "I did. I created you." While this song didn't play into our decision at all, I think it's perfect for this situation (and many others, obviously). If every person thought that fostering would be too hard, where would those kids end up? Jake and I have a home that is small by our culture's standards but huge compared to most of the rest of the world's. We have a strong, loving marriage. Our hearts want children. We have room and love enough to share. These kids need a safe home and loving family. That equation simply adds up. As Christians there are two specific groups of people we are called to care for in addition to the general "least of these" (any less fortunate): widows and orphans. Though foster children aren't technically orphans, they are, at this point in their lives, without parents. It just makes sense to us that this is something we could be called to do simply because we are Christians, but Jake and I definitely are called to do it because we are available. And God placed it on our hearts. And that right there is as much explanation as I can give.

Will we want to adopt them? Of course. Will we? If that becomes an option. What if it doesn't? We will provide for them a loving home for however long they are with us, and we will encourage their birth families along their journey toward rehabilitation. Does this mean we've "given up" on having "our own" babies? Absolutely not. Fostering and birthing are not mutually exclusive commitments. For all we know, we may never have biological children, or we may get three foster kids in our home and I get pregnant and all three of the others become available for adoption. And what then? Well, we'll have four kids! If God called us to do this (and He did), He will provide -- financially, physically, and emotionally.

That's about all I can think of to tell you. We would LOVE to hear and answer any questions you may have. So fire away :)

our grand new adventure

It's been suggested that I blog about our upcoming fostering and possibly adoption experiences. I thought I would begin a new blog that would focus solely on those subjects. But then I thought - why? It won't be a separate part of our life; it will be our whole life. And it will definitely affect our budget, my homemaking, my job, and expand our green-ness. So I think it will fit in perfectly fine right here.

For now, I will keep you updated with our progress toward licensure; later, of course, I will discuss the ins and outs of the system (as much as possible), our first-time parent mistakes and funnies, and much more. I'll try to keep it short and sweet.

A quick note before I go about one thing I mentioned above: I'm not quitting my job right now. But that might be necessary in the future. I'll go into that a little more in a later post. So, welcome aboard as we document this exciting new time in our lives!

spring wardrobe

I recently read a book that has changed my life. I know it's not the Bible, Mom! But it's so good. Lessons From Madame Chic was written by Jennifer of The Daily Connoisseur, who studied abroad in Paris and learned so much about how the French live: elegantly and seemingly effortlessly.

One of the 20 lessons she learned was that of the capsule wardrobe. She employs a ten-item wardrobe but stresses that the number is not as important as the idea. Living in California, Jennifer has a
spring/summer wardrobe and a different fall/winter wardrobe. North Carolina really has four distinct seasons, so I've chosen to have four different wardrobes. Of course each season I'll incorporate pieces from the previous season. In addition to the ten (or whatever number) core items, there should be "extras", such as layering pieces (tees, cardigans, etc.), shoes, accessories, occasionwear (like cocktail dresses for women or suits for guys), and outerwear. I've mostly completed my spring wardrobe (am still awaiting the arrival of a few pieces I've ordered), so I thought I'd share with you today so you may get started on yours if you're interested! Another thing to note is that by owning fewer pieces of clothing, you cut down on mindless shopping and multiple Target-clearance-rack trips every month, which in turn means that you will be able to afford more expensive and longer lasting clothing. In the future, as I replace needed items, I will definitely be looking for quality. For now, I do pretty much love all of my pieces, though not all are what I would choose were I starting from scratch. My budget thanks me for using up what I have before throwing it all out and beginning again. Side note: ThredUp is a great resource for new-to-you wardrobe items. They even have tons of pieces that are new with tags (my personal preference). So here's my wardrobe...

The above is a very rough picture of my closet (that I obviously share with my husband. And I do keep my winter coats in here, but only because there is no other place to store them and they are in an out-of-the-way spot for now). I'll begin with my core items:

1. White/khaki short-sleeve, knee-length Shabby Apple dress (from last year - these dresses are great quality!)

2. (Not pictured because it's in the wash) Red short-sleeve dress with horizontal piping and slightly full skirt from Anthropologie (from last year)

3. Coral/gold-ish sleeveless Vince Camuto dress (Dillard's) (from two years ago)

4. Yellow ruffle-front, short-sleeve Shabby Apple dress (from last year)

5. Green/white sleeveless Lilly Pulitzer dress (from 3 years ago)

6. Chambray/white polka dot sleeveless Keds dress (a gift)

7. Navy/white stripe lightweight, loose-fit Gap turtleneck (super duper clearance find this year)

8. (Not pictured because I'm wearing it) mint/white stripe lightweight Gap sweater (from same clearance rack as previous)

9. (Not pictured because it's awaiting ironing) grayish-purplish silky feeling long-sleeve blouse from TJMaxx

10. (Not pictured - awaiting arrival from ThredUp) navy/aqua stripe long sleeve J. Crew tee

11. Black lightweight Talbots midi-skirt (a great consignment find from last year)
*I so love the length and weight of this skirt, but it flies up in the wind. Like, really badly. So I will be keeping an eye out for a slightly heavier version to replace it

12. Coral maxi skirt from Charlotte Russe (got it the other week, a friend wanted me to wear it to her wedding so I took the tags off, but really brighter than my usual style. Soo comfy though, so it stays for now)

13. Turquoise/white polka dot Talbots midi skirt (another consignment find last year - for those in the area, you have got to go to Etc. in Winston-Salem. They have really nice clothes!)

14.  (Not pictured because I'm wearing them) mid-rise darker wash straight-leg (not skinny) Levi's (a little over a year ago)

15. (Not pictured because they're drying) coral skinny Gap ankle jeans (about a year and a half ago)

I am waiting to receive a neutral colored silk J. Crew dress from ThredUp, but I'm not sure whether to add that to my spring or summer wardrobe. I will wait until I see the weight before I decide. If I do add it to spring, though, I will put one of the sleeveless dresses back for summer. As you can see, mine is not a ten-item but a fifteen-item wardrobe. The aforementioned Jennifer does say to be flexible, but I prefer to have a number. Helps keep me in line :) also, if you look at the order in which I listed my items, you will notice I organize my clothing first by type, then in rainbow order (beginning with neutrals, then roygbiv). I have found this to be the easiest way to quickly locate any item, and also keep everything neat. Now I will talk about my "extras" (some are located in my closet, and others are in a drawer). This is the area I have the most trouble paring down. March was very cold still, but by summer it will be very hot.

1. Cardigans: pale pink, and peach/navy/white. While I do like the second one, it breaks the cardinal capsule wardrobe sin by not coordinating with everything. So this may be moved to fall (perhaps it would work better then?)

2. Light jackets: black, brown leather, and khaki (have not worn the khaki one very often at all, and it was a Goodwill purchase, so I may pass it on to a friend)

3. (Not pictured because they are on a coat rack by the front door) trench coats: lighter weight 3/4 sleeve, slightly heavier long sleeve. They are so classic and I really enjoy having both of these. Still, I feel I have way too many cardigans and jackets. We'll see what happens.

4. Tanks: black, and khaki. I have found both of these to be very essential. I also have an ivory lace tank that really I can only wear under something because it is slightly see-through. I love that it adds length, which is great whenever I want to wear leggings. And it adds some femininity. But it's not quite right for spring. So, ok, I'll move it to fall.

5. Tees: indigo blue, olive green, grey, bright coral. The green and coral tees are loose fitting which I really love for a more relaxed look. The blue is tighter, and I'm not crazy about the color, but when I put it on it is so comfy and looks pretty decent. The grey one is from Talbots but I really don't enjoy wearing it. Ok ok, I will get rid of it.

See what I mean about the "extras"? I sort of feel like it's cheating to claim to have a fifteen-item wardrobe then have so many extras. Writing this has really helped me think through them though, so I will most likely be tweaking!

Some of the lighter spring items will stick around for summer, and some of the heavier ones may be moved to fall, and the rest I will put away for next spring when I switch out my wardrobe for summer. My plan is to evaluate everything I have for the season at the beginning of that season, and move around or pare down accordingly. This is my first time really being serious about doing a capsule wardrobe, so I'm kind of learning as I go. But I can tell you, even from before I did this and had just gotten rid of some of my clothing, that fewer items give surprisingly more freedom. It is ridiculously easy to walk into my closet and choose an outfit for the day. I can see everything clearly, stay up-to-date with my laundry (which never gets out of hand!), and have more emotional space cleared out by having less clutter.

Honestly, my personal style is definitely more neutral and classic than most people my age, and even compared to myself five years ago. I have been a victim of the Target clearance rack plague, but no more! From now on, when an article of clothing comes in, one must go out. So as I wear things out and begin to replace them, I will definitely stick to more of my own style (which, by the way, may very well change a little throughout the years), and not just buy something because it's cheap. A couple of cheap items become very expensive if they are tossed in the Goodwill pile a few months later.

So will you be creating a capsule wardrobe? Remember, the number is not important. Another cool thing to check out would be Project 333. What will you be wearing for spring?

my (pro-activ-free) skin miracle

Let me start off by saying that I am not one to put myself out there when it comes to truly personal things. I used to not tell anyone if they had broccoli in their teeth, because I thought it was rude. But I know people don't want to walk around with broccoli in their teeth, so I'm working on it. If there's something that can help other people, regardless of how uncomfortable it may make me, the kindest thing to do is to share that something. So here goes.

I wish I had taken a before picture so you could truly appreciate the after. But you can use your imagination. Throughout my teenage years, I was basically like every other teenager. I dealt with hormones and all the glorious side effects. Fast forward: I grow up, get married, and we decide to start our family. So I come off birth control. And cue the acne. Way worse than I ever remember it being in high school. One positive is that I'm sure it made me look younger? Because who would think someone in their mid-twenties would struggle with it like I did?

My cousin is getting married next month and I'm in her wedding. I want to look good. One morning a few weeks ago I was just FED. UP. I had found a blog through Pinterest that had piqued my interest, so I consulted Empowered Sustenance. I was heading to "the city" this particular day, so I picked up as much as I could there, and had my mom visit her co-op to get the rest. That night, using what I had on hand, I began my journey.

So here's what I've been doing:

Morning: put 1/2 tsp raw honey in my hands and rub on my face. Rinse with warm-ish water. Follow with an organic toner (I already had this and am trying to use it up before I make my own), and this Egyptian Magic cream (again, trying to use up what I have before I make my own - in this case, I will be making a facial oil). Apply all-natural makeup. Do not pick at face!

During the day: here's probably the key. Make better food/drink choices! Instead of fried, choose grilled. Instead of fries, choose fruit cup. Skip dessert. Have water with lemon, and occasionally tea. It's ok to cheat every once in a while, but that should be the exception rather than the rule. Do not pick at face!

Night: put some coconut oil on my hands and rub together until it becomes more oil-like in consistency. Rub on face (do not take makeup off before, do not wet before, just put it straight on my face). Massage my face, making this a relaxing ritual. Wet washcloth with very warm water. Lay over face for 20 seconds to open pores. Wipe face clean (don't scrub). Apply toner. Use more coconut oil as moisturizer as needed. Thoroughly wet the end of a q-tip with tea tree oil to use as spot treatment. Lather lips with Vaseline (nothing to do with acne, but my lips have also been crazy dry this winter). Do not pick at face!

It's been a week and a half and I can tell a HUGE differene! This thrills me. Yesterday I wore abut half the amount of makeup I usually do, and when I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, I was pleased to see that I could walk out the door with NO makeup on if I wanted! I will not be doing that, however, as I would be confused for a young boy (I have super short hair and a young-looking face). But it's now an option! I will continue doing what I've been doing for a long while, and look forward to continued improvement. Let me know if you try it and it works for you!

more ways to save on groceries

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm working a lot more now so posts may be few and far between! Last night, I sat down and made out a monthly meal plan for the first time since beginning working so much, and I have to say, it feels so great. I don't know if I can go back to not meal planning. Along with the meal plan I made out a grocery list. I want to share with you some new ways I've started using to save on groceries.

1. conscious box Sorry, the link is not wanting to work for me. But anyway. A friend told me about this subscription service and she really loves it. My first box is currently on its way to my house. She said her last box had some teas, sunscreen, and several other things. This is a way she exposes herself to things we might never learn about, living in the boondocks and all. I thought it would be a good way to encorporate some more healthful products. Since my grocery budget includes household items, this is perfect for us. I chose to subscribe on a month-by-month basis, so it will be $19.95 every month.

2. amazon subscribe & save I am so excited to try this! So basically, certain items on Amazon are eligible to be in the subscribe & save program. You can choose to receive the item anywhere from every month to every 6 months. You get a 5% discount on these items. And if you choose 5 subscription items in any one month, you get a 15% discount. Yay!

3. I took my grocery budget, which is $200, and subtracted $20 for conscious box and the price of the items I subscribed to on Amazon. I ended up with $157 left for the month. I already had my completed grocery list so I ended up dividing the remainder of my budget among the categories of groceries. $55 for meat, $40 for dairy (2 gallons of milk a week - it's actually an improvement from a year ago), etc. Within the general categories like the ones I just mentioned, I broke down the money even more. $10 for butter. Obviously that will be a lot of butter, so it will enable me to stock up.

Nothing super fancy here, but I felt really good about my plan for March groceries, and I wanted to share with you how I did it. Hope it helps :)