The "Courtship and Engagements" section has a lot that I want to talk about, so I'll break it up into several posts. I am at the age where a lot of my peers are already married (with kids), newly married, or hoping to be married soon. Here's what Amy Vanderbilt had to say (p. 10):
A fairly long courtship and a brief engagement seem to be a safe formula. The courtship period is casual and informal, without pledges on either side. It gives each a chance to know the other better--and yet make a graceful exit if that seems expedient.I'll pause to comment here before continuing. I think we can all agree that "fairly long" then probably meant something different than what it means today. In my experience, however, this formula did work. My husband and I dated for just under a year before we were engaged - in fact, we had only met a year before becoming engaged - and were engaged for just under five months before our wedding. I know many, many people choose much longer engagements, usually because of the wedding planning process. While I don't fault anyone for that (I know some venues are in high demand!), I will say it is absolutely possible to have a beautiful, budget wedding in under six months. Once we were engaged, we were moving toward the goal of marriage, and we did so expediently. At that point there was no need for us to wait on anything. And as for the second part of the above paragraph...I wish I had dated a little more like this. I tended to think that the longer you date, the more serious you become. Which, in a sense, is true. But dating/courtship is not engagement, and no non-engaged couple should treat their relationship or each other as though they are promised to one another. If you like it, put a ring on it.
Vanderbilt continues:
It is impossible for a man and woman to know whether they are really suited to one another if they spend all their courtship time in the exclusive company of each other. Each should give the other an opportunity to expose to searching consideration his best and worst sides. They should see each other in the give and take of family life...Say what you will, but the purpose of dating has always been to find a spouse. Even scientifically speaking, to find a mate with whom to procreate. So seeing how one another work in the context of a family is vital. Ladies, how a man treats his mother (or motherly figure) is how he will treat you. Obviously not right now, but within your own family dynamic. And vice versa: guys, a woman will treat you the way she treats her father (or fatherly figure). It has been quite the lesson for me, as my husband is not nearly as easily swayed as my daddy by batting eyelashes and downturned lip! And in general, it's beneficial to be around other people as you date. Life is not lived alone, nor between the two of you. You will learn all sorts of things - good and bad - about the way you both handle different situations when you give yourselves the opportunity to see each other in those situations.
And I'll stop there for today. There is a lot more on courtship and engagement, but I don't want to bore you! My hope is that you will read these little tidbits and be inspired to live your life with grace and class, and as such gradually apply them to your life. There is no reason - including and especially our present-day low-standards culture - we can't bring back higher standards of living and interacting with our fellow people. I sincerely hope you will enjoy this learning process as much as I am! Until next time..
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