etiquette: courtship and engagements continued

Before I begin this week's post, I'd like to make a note about last week's: I wrote about how courtship is the time when a couple is "trying one another on", in a sense, and how dating couples are not married couples and shouldn't treat one another as if they were. Don't put the cart before the horse. But I failed to mention the opposite. Married couples are not dating couples, and marriage is not the test run. Marriage vows include the words "til death do us part" for a reason. I am saddened to see so many people in my generation being so quick to divorce. Now, I am not saying divorce is never ok. Test the waters through dating, then commit for life by marriage. Don't marry someone you weren't compatible with while dating. And don't use marriage as an equivalent to dating. Marriage is hard. And though there are occasions when one may find something out about a spouse they did not previously know, marriage is not the time to call it quits because of it. Again, there are legitimate reasons. Danger of oneself or one's children, naturally. But "we aren't compatible" is not an appropriate reason to divorce. For those of us who face really awful situations, and can't stand our spouses at times, but choose to continue on anyway...quick-to-divorce folks cheapen our commitment. They make the idea of marriage cheap, and so when people our age look around at married people, instead of honoring our commitment to one another and seeing clear boundaries, they see lines easily able to be crossed. I'm talking to you, "I'm going to continually contact and flirt with my married ex-boyfriend because there's always a chance (trust me, you are the last type he wants). And enough of that soapbox :)

Today's post has to do with the time right before an engagement occurs: "the conference with the father". I get that it seems totally old-fashioned, and is not always an option. Personally, I would not have said "yes" to any man who didn't first talk to my parents.

A girl's parents, especially if they have been supporting their daughter, have the right to know just how her fiance proposes to take care of her after the marriage, in short, what his income is and his savings, if any, and what may be his future expectations.

This may seem extreme, but I happen to 100% agree with Vanderbilt. My parents had spiritual questions, as well; but financial ones are wise. Even though today the majority of women work outside the home after marriage, and are basically financially independent of their husbands, it's still good to have an idea of where a man stands financially before marrying off a daughter to him. Vanderbilt continues by saying, "It is very comfortable to start married life on a sound financial basis." How true this is! I was not the best with money before I got married. My husband, on the other hand, had basically saved everything he had ever earned. We were able to purchase a modest (and perfect to us!) home, with a 20% down payment, avoiding costly additions to our monthly mortgage payment. My husband, his father, and his grandfathers then updated the home without us going in to debt. We were left with a modest emergency fund. When a financial advisor's services were offered to us, my husband was wise enough to recognize that though we are able to handle our day-to-day and month-to-month budget just fine, the long-term was beyond either of our knowledge. My husband has spent his entire life making wise money decisions, and that has been a great benefit to our marriage. Never once have we argued about money - the main factor in the majority of divorces today.

So I encourage you, if you are unmarried: require that any man seeking to marry you talk to your dad (or a father figure) before he asks you. A wise older person will know just the questions to ask - the ones you are too blinded by love to even think of :)

etiquette: courtship and engagements

My mom told me my introduction to this series was...harsh. Imagine that, me coming across as harsh. So, I'm sorry. That is not at all my intention (it really never is); I'm just pretty fed up with being associated, because of my age, with the crude, rude people now even rising to leadership positions in this world. Also, just a reminder: the things I will say are my opinion - how I think we can and should apply today the etiquette principles of yesteryear.

The "Courtship and Engagements" section has a lot that I want to talk about, so I'll break it up into several posts. I am at the age where a lot of my peers are already married (with kids), newly married, or hoping to be married soon. Here's what Amy Vanderbilt had to say (p. 10):

A fairly long courtship and a brief engagement seem to be a safe formula. The courtship period is casual and informal, without pledges on either side. It gives each a chance to know the other better--and yet make a graceful exit if that seems expedient.

I'll pause to comment here before continuing. I think we can all agree that "fairly long" then probably meant something different than what it means today. In my experience, however, this formula did work. My husband and I dated for just under a year before we were engaged - in fact, we had only met a year before becoming engaged - and were engaged for just under five months before our wedding. I know many, many people choose much longer engagements, usually because of the wedding planning process. While I don't fault anyone for that (I know some venues are in high demand!), I will say it is absolutely possible to have a beautiful, budget wedding in under six months. Once we were engaged, we were moving toward the goal of marriage, and we did so expediently. At that point there was no need for us to wait on anything. And as for the second part of the above paragraph...I wish I had dated a little more like this. I tended to think that the longer you date, the more serious you become. Which, in a sense, is true. But dating/courtship is not engagement, and no non-engaged couple should treat their relationship or each other as though they are promised to one another. If you like it, put a ring on it.

Vanderbilt continues:

It is impossible for a man and woman to know whether they are really suited to one another if they spend all their courtship time in the exclusive company of each other. Each should give the other an opportunity to expose to searching consideration his best and worst sides. They should see each other in the give and take of family life...

Say what you will, but the purpose of dating has always been to find a spouse. Even scientifically speaking, to find a mate with whom to procreate. So seeing how one another work in the context of a family is vital. Ladies, how a man treats his mother (or motherly figure) is how he will treat you. Obviously not right now, but within your own family dynamic. And vice versa: guys, a woman will treat you the way she treats her father (or fatherly figure). It has been quite the lesson for me, as my husband is not nearly as easily swayed as my daddy by batting eyelashes and downturned lip! And in general, it's beneficial to be around other people as you date. Life is not lived alone, nor between the two of you. You will learn all sorts of things - good and bad - about the way you both handle different situations when you give yourselves the opportunity to see each other in those situations.

And I'll stop there for today. There is a lot more on courtship and engagement, but I don't want to bore you! My hope is that you will read these little tidbits and be inspired to live your life with grace and class, and as such gradually apply them to your life. There is no reason - including and especially our present-day low-standards culture - we can't bring back higher standards of living and interacting with our fellow people. I sincerely hope you will enjoy this learning process as much as I am! Until next time..

introduction to etiquette: both my own and AV's

I am so beyond excited to begin a new series on etiquette. Anyone who knows me can attest this is right up my alley. As we enter the holiday season, I thought this would be as good a time as any to begin.

I am not nearly well-versed enough in the subject to consider myself anywhere close to being an expert. I will be reading, cover to cover, Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette: The Guide to Gracious Living (copyright most recently in 1963). Obviously, the book is old; so what I will do is summarize a section and then attempt to apply it to our modern lives. As for day-to-day etiquette, I strongly encourage you to peruse and subscribe to both the Daily Connoisseur and Annie Dean. These two women are considerably more knowledgeable than I, and do an excellent job at living out the principles of etiquette and social grace.

First, you may be wondering why I would desire to write on the subject of etiquette. I both crave and cultivate a beautiful life, and I think this is not only possible but necessary - regardless of one's station in life. I am appalled by the way my generation behaves themselves. Truly disgusted. "Women" show every body part they have, if not on the street, then through social media. "Men" think it is appropriate to honk their horns and whistle (although, to be fair, the women hands-down invite this attention). Most women my age seem to be on the lookout for their Prince Charming, yet they behave in such a way that no gentleman would want to introduce them to his mother. The women also put up with disrespectful treatment from men in the hopes that he will one day change his mind and decide to treat her the way she deserves. Ladies, he will not. The way a man treats you during courtship is the best he will treat you. He may (and should) continue that treatment beyond the wedding day, but giving you his last name will not turn him overnight into a knight in shining armor. Listen, I am totally aware we live in the 21st century and that everyone is both politically correct and "enlightened" in our modern society. That does not mean we can or should throw all etiquette out the window.

Now you may be thinking, who is she to tell me this? I am no one. No one in the eyes of this world, that is. I am firmly middle class American (which, by the way, is filthy rich when compared on an international level). My parents both grew up very poor. One of my grandmothers grew up as a share cropper - the next lowest standing to slavery. I was the first person in my family to go to college. I was almost a career military officer's wife (long story), but instead of being unhappily married in semi-high society, I chose to be happily married in the rural South. I have never been, am not now, nor will I or my children likely ever be high society. I wasn't born into it. So, you see, I am most certainly not qualified. But I am fascinated, and so desire for my generation to leave the crass in favor of what is classy.

So who will I look to? As I mentioned, the book on which I will be basing all of this was written by Amy Vanderbilt. In her introduction she says what applies to me and probably many of you: "Who needs a book of etiquette? Everyone does. The simplest family...needs to know at least the elementary rules."

So, let's begin, shall we?