our updated budget (for April 2016)

It's been quite awhile since I did the series on budgeting - and life has changed for us since then - so I figured it was high time I updated you. I follow several budgeting blogs and I love when they post real numbers, so I'll do that here. No judging allowed :) And some background info: where we live, I believe the median income is around $35,000/year, so we are definitely well off comparatively (and of course we live in the U.S. so we are filthy rich by world standards - let's all keep a right perspective here). We are foster parents, so we get paid from that, and I'll address that here too. Also, I work one Saturday a month at the jewelry store I worked at before we got married; it's a way to ensure we spend some time with my parents (we stay the whole weekend with them when I work), and also helps our budget. Also, since our income has increased, we've way loosened our belts - we have GOT to get that in check, so hopefully this will keep me accountable. So with all that in mind, here's our one-ish income budget for a family of four:

Tithe 10%
Savings 10%
^these come right off the top, from all our income sources

World Vision $70 (we sponsor two kids in Guatemala)

Building fund $20 (our church has started a campaign to be able to build a bigger building, and this seems so measly compared to what is needed, but it's what we can do)

Investments $300 (we use an Edward Jones man because we are just not good with investing, and we've been very happy. He has used a formula to tell us how much we should be investing for retirement, and we do a little more into a money market? Mutual fund? something, to use as a future car fund. When we don't see it we can forget about it)

Mortgage $468 (I know, it's awesome. It's also a two-bedroom, 1200 sq ft house on half an acre)

Water/trash $90 (kids + baths = a greatly increased water bill)

Electricity $108 (we do a thing where they bill is for our average monthly usage from the previous year)

Groceries (including household items) $350

Dates $50

Family activities/eat out $50

Gas (and oil changes) $200

Life insurance $64 (we don't have a ton, just enough to pay off our bills and provide a funeral)

Health insurance $150 (I actually use Christian Healthcare Ministries, a cost-sharing, faith-based ministry, instead of health insurance...that's probably deserving of another post by itself)

Jake personal $50 (mainly for lunches out)

Taylor personal $50 (includes the whopping $20/6-8 weeks for a hair trim and eyebrow wax)

Cable/internet $54 (we have no channels, only internet. This seems crazy high)

Netflix $9

WDAV $15 (we support a semi-local classical music radio station)

^all of the above comes from Jake's pay. These are most of the necessities (only lacking our cell phone bill, which I'll address next), and there's obviously wiggle room for tightening our belts, which I'll also address)

Cell phones $80 (this comes from my pay, just because after tithe and savings my pay is $80 and that's what our bill is, so it works out easily)

Foster care income:
It's public record what foster parents get paid, so I'll just tell you that we get $1652/month. Our boys are 7 & 8, so there's a base pay of $581/each, plus we get a "difficulty of care" add-on because the boys have so many needs and appointments and medications that really they should be leveled therapeutic foster care (where we'd get more like $2000/child), but we aren't licensed for that. And in case anyone needs me to spell this out: we aren't doing it for the money. But here's how we spend that money:

Student loans

Credit card (we've gotten way lax here - the goal is to pay it off monthly, but we haven't been recently, so now we are in the same boat as everyone else; we are trying to pay it off as quickly as possible)

Massage (this seems so unnecessary, BUT I've had tons of health problems recently due to stress, so while we can afford it I'm trying to get regular massages to help with that)

^so here's the thing about the foster care income. Some of you know, but for most of you this will be news: the boys will be leaving after the end of the school year (their last day is May 13). This is our choice, and SO MANY factors went into it...I'm writing an article for a foster care blog so I'll share that when it's been posted. However, court is coming up and their bio mom is certain she will get them back. If that's the case, it's possible they will leave sooner. The emotional part of all of that is not for here and now, so here's the money part: we won't have this income soon. We will tighten up some of the categories that come from Jake's pay, pay only the minimum payments on student loans, and focus on paying off my medical bills (forgot to mention those - they haven't started coming in yet, but they will soon). In the future, we likely won't get nearly as much, because we aren't going to take kids with special needs - or if we do, only one at a time. It's kind of sickening to think that we've basically squandered this period of much higher income...we always tend to do better the less we make. Again, I can't even begin to address the emotional fallout from our foster care situation, so please don't think I'm heartless.

I think that's about it. Maybe I'll update monthly? Who knows. But here it is!

because this is my life now (or, how to deal with kid clutter)

wellll hopefully anyone reading this has been following our foster care journey on Instagram, but if you haven't, hop on over there. taylorcaitgroce. 

my little boogers - T, age 8 and C, age 7 - are WILD. part of it is typical boy, part of it is borderline autism/ADHD/never had much in the way of rules and order. I go to bed absolutely exhausted every. single. night. they came to us with TONS of stuff. I mean, car trunk crammed full and a couple trash bags on top of that. their previous foster home apparently did not share my views on material things. 

actually, let me stop right here and make a disclaimer. I realize that to many, I probably seem extreme. probably even to my own mother - who, undeniably, instilled in me my love of order (and truthfully in my case a lot also comes from my legitimately clinically diagnosed OCD). but it shouldn't be news to anyone reading this that over the past couple of years, I've really come to appreciate and (attempt to) embrace more of a minimalistic lifestyle. so when we were trying to begin our family, I knew I wanted to continue that even with little ones. I did not want every single baby gadget. babies themselves don't require much - it's the parents who want it. I knew I wanted to do holidays and birthdays very simply. I would love to live in a tiny house, but my husband is too giant to do that, so I'm treating our modestly sized home as my own simple/tiny living experiment of sorts. we were more than comfortable being 2 people living in 1200 sq ft, and as we added more to our family, I planned to continue to simplify so we could continue to live comfortably. all that is to say: this is all my preference. it doesn't have to be yours. in fact, most people I know are completely opposite.

back to my story...the boys came with a bunch of junk. (oh, and keep in mind that I have pretty particular tastes in fashion and decor, too) and every other week they visit their bio mom, who sends them with BAGS of more junk (in addition to happy meals and candy...but that'll be a story for later). so how do I contain it all? I am so not interested in having plastic stuff sitting out in my living room. and after the boys moved in, we quickly learned that keeping toys in their shared bedroom was not an option. their bedroom not only needs to be super duper conducive to sleep - as it is still exciting for them to be sharing a room - but it also needs to be destruction-proof. other parents of special needs kids hear me on that one? we needed one place where we could have them go to safely throw the king of all fits (about every other day at the beginning, now we are at about once every two or three weeks). so how do I store toys not in their room, not out in the living area, and not in the playroom since we are using it as the master bedroom now? well, I had one little cabinet that's beside our bar, kind of in the living room. it connects through to the kitchen cabinets but it's kind of awkward. I used to store random things like batteries and a screwdriver and flashlights in there, and the boys were always "exploring" in it, picking up all the things little boys love but do NOT need access to. so anyway, I had that cabinet. and I needed to figure out how to make it work to fit their toys. so I purged. 

I'll try to make this short and sweet and just go ahead and tell you what we've ended up with. in their toy cabinet are four boxes (there's a pic on IG): on the bottom shelf are two shoebox-esque boxes with each of their names. those are for toys they like to keep separate. on the top shelf are two taller boxes - one for Legos, and one for all the other toys. those are all the things they play with in the house. on our covered front porch we keep a basket filled with: remote control cars, playdoh, and random cigarette smoke smelling junk (like happy meal toys and other uses tiny things) they bring home (that I clear out little by little so they won't notice). around back we have a basketball goal, a pogo stick, two bikes, football, schoolyard-type ball, sidewalk chalk. and at the bottom of the stairs in our basement, right by the back door, we keep: some science experiment kits (partially used - I should probably go through those), paint supplies, and a huge art jar; these are things that need to be used outside, but not kept outside. so while their toy cabinet looks so neat and I love it, they are not deprived children. I typically MAKE them play outside for at least a few minutes every day, regardless of the weather. the front porch is awesome for this. 

I've of course seen on Pinterest the idea of boxing up half or more of kids' toys and then rotating them in and out with the other toys, so they forget about them then get excited about them again. sorry, but that's just too much work for me. I do NOT want a house overrun with kid stuff, and I do NOT want to make more work for myself. the boys are responsible for cleaning up each area of stuff when they are done, and anything left out gets thrown away or donated. they've learned (and are still learning - like I'm at some point going to NOT be serious about it? HA) the hard way. but that's how I maintain my (sanity, and my) beautiful, simple, clutter-free-though-it's-small-and-full-of-crazy-people/dog home :)

why I dress the way I do

this could potentially be offensive/controversial, so let me begin by saying that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. this is truly a personal decision. as a married woman, it matters what my husband thinks. and that is IT. so please don't think I'm telling you to dress a certain way because I said so, or to impress others, because I'm not. if you're married, you have only your spouse to worry about. that being said...

why do I dress the way I do? and what way do I dress? well, a lot of people have made comments about me being "so dressed up". really I've dealt with this for years, but I've been surprised that it's continued into adulthood. I heard the other day that for the first time ever, jeans sales dropped. maybe this was old info, so like in 2011. why did they drop? they're "too fancy". people are preferring yoga pants. UM. it was not that long ago that jeans were considered workwear only, as in physical labor outside or in a factory or something. I won't even address today's standards because in general I live my life doing that...but I just wanted to mention that. so, why do I dress "up"? there are a few reasons.

1. minimalism. I've been interested in this topic for a while. I don't now nor will I ever count my possessions, but there is an obvious theme in my home and my closet - less is more. quality over quantity. if I'm committed to having fewer things, they will be my favorite things. my nicest things. which leads me to...

2. I like nice things. I can't afford to create a new J. Crew/Anthropologie (my stores of choice) wardrobe every season. I can, however, afford to add a few of these pieces a year - especially when I find them at consignment or thrift stores. so what I do buy needs to be fairly classic. classic styles appear to much of my generation to be dressy.

3. most importantly, it honors my husband. woah, listen to that backwards anti-feminism talk going on right here (actually, feminism is about women being able to choose - and I choose this). Jake Henry and I prefer more of the traditional gender roles than is exhibited in much of our culture today. he is the primary breadwinner. my work outside the home is limited. I do most of the cooking and cleaning (most. because I have an amazing husband who is more than willing to help even without being asked). and this is working beautifully for us. as a one-income family (mine is so small, and only goes to further our debt reduction and build up savings, so it's technically not necessary), we are not able to afford some of the luxuries two-income families afford. we rarely eat out. my nails are done by yours truly. our kids won't get cell phones at 8 and probably not cars at 16. they'll live. but we keep a close eye on our finances and as such, what we are able to afford is this lifestyle of not relying on my income. it makes it easier to be a homemaker now, and a stay-at-home mom later. I say all that as background info...and also because I feel like sometimes people look down on us for this decision. but anyway. dressing well honors my husband. who wants to come home from a hard day at work to finds his wife, who has been home all day, in workout clothes? when she definitely has not been working out, and especially not all day long. I feel it is respectful to him to provide a good view, if you will, when he walks in. I clear all clutter from the entryway, as well. it helps him relax. and when I do venture outside our home, I am representative of him. for his sake, I don't want anyone to see me and think, "there's Jake's wife, she doesn't even work but look how awful she looks!" I feel it is part of my job to provide him and others with something pleasant to look at. oh, but I don't want to forget..

4. it makes me feel pretty. I've always been like this, as long as I can remember. I feel prettier when I look nicer. which just makes the whole day better, don't you think?

the post I didn't want to write

I haven't given an update on our fostering process in a while, and a few people have asked about it since The Call, so I figured I might as well let you all in on what's going on. I've been avoiding that.

If you'll recall (or not), we got fingerprinted in July, as part of the requirements for our licensing paperwork (Jake had actually been fingerprinted a couple of months prior, something to do with his security clearance for work). Notoriously that is a long part of the process. Then, we were informed
we forgot a particular piece of paperwork - which we "forgot" because the sheriff's department said we didn't need it. Anyway, we signed the paper, sent it in, and knew it would basically start the fingerprint processing over. That's among other things, of course. Our agency merged and we were caught in the middle. Our trainer suddenly and unexpectedly quit, leaving someone else all of her work. So now you're caught up. Until last week.

I emailed our new contact to check on the status of our fingerprints. We've been waiting on their clearance so she can send in our licensing info to Raleigh, and then we would have a 4-8 week turnaround before being licensed. So I emailed, and she called me back. Said she didn't have good news. Apparently, the SBI has no record of Jake's fingerprints. At all. Not even from when he did them for work. Just...none. It could have been something as simple as the person at the sheriff's department never hitting "send". I didn't cry, I calmly told Jake what happened, our contact sent us all our paperwork thusfar so we could hopefully prove to the sheriff's department that he had been fingerprinted by them SIX months ago. He went the next day...and the sheriff's department has moved. Vacated their building, leaving no sign of their new location. (Jake has since located it, but REALLY, Wilkes county? You do nothing to help your reputation.)

Bottom line: fingerprint processing takes 6-8 weeks. Licensing processing takes another 4-8 weeks after that. We are looking at being licensed around April-ish.

We started this whole thing in May. So a year out of our lives? No time at all. We've just been thinking, every step of the way, that we were SO close. I've quit my job. We ourselves have fulfilled all the requirements, most of them by July. That stuff has to be redone every two years. We KNOW God has a reason for this...and we are beyond ready to see what it is. So, um, that's it. Don't cry for me, Argentina. Just wanted to keep everyone in the loop.

courtship and engagements continued (again)

Sorry for no post last week; Thanksgiving left me playing a bit of catch-up. Today I will just list a few excerpts that I think speak for themselves and, for the most part, don't even need any updating.

• "Good manners always dictate that men and women be restrained about public demonstrations of their physical feeling toward one another." p 13. Amen.
• "...modern young people...should remind themselves that the [dating period] is a trial flight which can easily end in a crash landing." p 14. Meaning: your whole life is not - and you shouldn't act like it is - wrapped up in this person until "I do".
• "Except under extraordinary circumstances, a formal engagement should not last more than six months and most are three months or less. And any man or woman who lets the engagement run into a matter of years for any reason whatsoever is not a good marriage risk..." p 14. I've mentioned before that today, weddings take a little longer to plan. Many venues book quickly, and the wedding industry in general is suggesting to allow at least a year for the planning process. For logistic reasons I see no problem with this. There are also the situations where one or both of the engaged persons is/are still in school (although...why not wait to get engaged?). My brother is in the Air Force and he and his fiance are living half a country apart, so it makes sense that their wedding would take a little more time to plan. That being said, it is very possible to have a beautiful, budget-friendly wedding in a short amount of time. As I've mentioned before, mine was planned and pulled off in under 5 months.
• "If more engagements were honestly viewed before marriages are entered into there would be far fewer divorces. A man or woman should never be made to feel that by virtue of the exchange of an engagement ring he or she is irrevocably committed to the appointed marriage." p 14. AMEN. Figure out whether or not you are "compatible" or "want the same things out of life" before promising to God and witnesses that this person is the one you have chosen with whom to spend the rest of your life. I've broken an engagement and I (and he) survived, much more easily than if we had endured an unsuccessful marriage.
• However. "This does not mean that an engagement should be lightly entered into or lightly broken." p 14. When I became engaged the first time, I genuinely thought he was and wanted him to be the man I pledged myself to forever. Over time, I began to see that there were issues which, left unresolved, could greatly impact a marriage negatively. It was a hard decision to break it off, and for years afterward I was emotionally broken. But I knew that once I married, divorce would never be an option; and at the time the engagement was broken, there was not an assurance of a successful marriage. 

Side note: I am certainly not perfect, and certainly don't know everything. I share my experiences to show (in these instances) that difficult or seemingly impossible situations can be taken on in order to prevent worse ones. I hope they help you, and if not, I hope you'll appreciate anyway that I've shared them with you.

And I hope you're enjoying the etiquette posts! This is a subject I love, and am enjoying learning more about. Have a great week!

etiquette: courtship and engagements continued

Before I begin this week's post, I'd like to make a note about last week's: I wrote about how courtship is the time when a couple is "trying one another on", in a sense, and how dating couples are not married couples and shouldn't treat one another as if they were. Don't put the cart before the horse. But I failed to mention the opposite. Married couples are not dating couples, and marriage is not the test run. Marriage vows include the words "til death do us part" for a reason. I am saddened to see so many people in my generation being so quick to divorce. Now, I am not saying divorce is never ok. Test the waters through dating, then commit for life by marriage. Don't marry someone you weren't compatible with while dating. And don't use marriage as an equivalent to dating. Marriage is hard. And though there are occasions when one may find something out about a spouse they did not previously know, marriage is not the time to call it quits because of it. Again, there are legitimate reasons. Danger of oneself or one's children, naturally. But "we aren't compatible" is not an appropriate reason to divorce. For those of us who face really awful situations, and can't stand our spouses at times, but choose to continue on anyway...quick-to-divorce folks cheapen our commitment. They make the idea of marriage cheap, and so when people our age look around at married people, instead of honoring our commitment to one another and seeing clear boundaries, they see lines easily able to be crossed. I'm talking to you, "I'm going to continually contact and flirt with my married ex-boyfriend because there's always a chance (trust me, you are the last type he wants). And enough of that soapbox :)

Today's post has to do with the time right before an engagement occurs: "the conference with the father". I get that it seems totally old-fashioned, and is not always an option. Personally, I would not have said "yes" to any man who didn't first talk to my parents.

A girl's parents, especially if they have been supporting their daughter, have the right to know just how her fiance proposes to take care of her after the marriage, in short, what his income is and his savings, if any, and what may be his future expectations.

This may seem extreme, but I happen to 100% agree with Vanderbilt. My parents had spiritual questions, as well; but financial ones are wise. Even though today the majority of women work outside the home after marriage, and are basically financially independent of their husbands, it's still good to have an idea of where a man stands financially before marrying off a daughter to him. Vanderbilt continues by saying, "It is very comfortable to start married life on a sound financial basis." How true this is! I was not the best with money before I got married. My husband, on the other hand, had basically saved everything he had ever earned. We were able to purchase a modest (and perfect to us!) home, with a 20% down payment, avoiding costly additions to our monthly mortgage payment. My husband, his father, and his grandfathers then updated the home without us going in to debt. We were left with a modest emergency fund. When a financial advisor's services were offered to us, my husband was wise enough to recognize that though we are able to handle our day-to-day and month-to-month budget just fine, the long-term was beyond either of our knowledge. My husband has spent his entire life making wise money decisions, and that has been a great benefit to our marriage. Never once have we argued about money - the main factor in the majority of divorces today.

So I encourage you, if you are unmarried: require that any man seeking to marry you talk to your dad (or a father figure) before he asks you. A wise older person will know just the questions to ask - the ones you are too blinded by love to even think of :)

etiquette: courtship and engagements

My mom told me my introduction to this series was...harsh. Imagine that, me coming across as harsh. So, I'm sorry. That is not at all my intention (it really never is); I'm just pretty fed up with being associated, because of my age, with the crude, rude people now even rising to leadership positions in this world. Also, just a reminder: the things I will say are my opinion - how I think we can and should apply today the etiquette principles of yesteryear.

The "Courtship and Engagements" section has a lot that I want to talk about, so I'll break it up into several posts. I am at the age where a lot of my peers are already married (with kids), newly married, or hoping to be married soon. Here's what Amy Vanderbilt had to say (p. 10):

A fairly long courtship and a brief engagement seem to be a safe formula. The courtship period is casual and informal, without pledges on either side. It gives each a chance to know the other better--and yet make a graceful exit if that seems expedient.

I'll pause to comment here before continuing. I think we can all agree that "fairly long" then probably meant something different than what it means today. In my experience, however, this formula did work. My husband and I dated for just under a year before we were engaged - in fact, we had only met a year before becoming engaged - and were engaged for just under five months before our wedding. I know many, many people choose much longer engagements, usually because of the wedding planning process. While I don't fault anyone for that (I know some venues are in high demand!), I will say it is absolutely possible to have a beautiful, budget wedding in under six months. Once we were engaged, we were moving toward the goal of marriage, and we did so expediently. At that point there was no need for us to wait on anything. And as for the second part of the above paragraph...I wish I had dated a little more like this. I tended to think that the longer you date, the more serious you become. Which, in a sense, is true. But dating/courtship is not engagement, and no non-engaged couple should treat their relationship or each other as though they are promised to one another. If you like it, put a ring on it.

Vanderbilt continues:

It is impossible for a man and woman to know whether they are really suited to one another if they spend all their courtship time in the exclusive company of each other. Each should give the other an opportunity to expose to searching consideration his best and worst sides. They should see each other in the give and take of family life...

Say what you will, but the purpose of dating has always been to find a spouse. Even scientifically speaking, to find a mate with whom to procreate. So seeing how one another work in the context of a family is vital. Ladies, how a man treats his mother (or motherly figure) is how he will treat you. Obviously not right now, but within your own family dynamic. And vice versa: guys, a woman will treat you the way she treats her father (or fatherly figure). It has been quite the lesson for me, as my husband is not nearly as easily swayed as my daddy by batting eyelashes and downturned lip! And in general, it's beneficial to be around other people as you date. Life is not lived alone, nor between the two of you. You will learn all sorts of things - good and bad - about the way you both handle different situations when you give yourselves the opportunity to see each other in those situations.

And I'll stop there for today. There is a lot more on courtship and engagement, but I don't want to bore you! My hope is that you will read these little tidbits and be inspired to live your life with grace and class, and as such gradually apply them to your life. There is no reason - including and especially our present-day low-standards culture - we can't bring back higher standards of living and interacting with our fellow people. I sincerely hope you will enjoy this learning process as much as I am! Until next time..