May 2016 budget

why is it that the more money we make, the worse we are with it? Jake Henry and I were so much better with our money when we were living on $35,000/year with tons of (student loan only) debt and a car payment, than we are now - with no car payments, fewer student loans, and a new credit card debt because somehow the increase in income wasn't enough for us?? that's frustrating. anyway, I'll just summarize last month's re-foray into the world of using cash only...well, it got worse before it got better. like, maybe the better is coming next month? but it was definitely good for us. we did cut way back on our spending, but we also used the debit card some, even though we had taken most of the money out of our account in cash. so I'm hoping that we will just get better every month.

we dipped into savings in April to cover some purchases we made with the debit card, so the first order of business for our May budget is to repay that. which stinks, because otherwise, we could've put a huge chunk of money toward debt. so maybe we've taught ourselves a lesson. also, remember last month I mentioned the medical bills would begin rolling in? well, they have. I also had an MRI - with no health insurance - eek! thankfully Christian Healthcare Ministries (the cost-sharing ministry of which I am a member) will probably cover the whole cost of that; so I'm responsible only for the office visits. I go to my ENT (ear, nose, and throat) doctor about once a week.

Jake Henry somehow got a big expense check this month...the only reason we can think of is that maybe he underestimated his per diem when he went to Atlanta a few months ago, and he is finally getting reimbursed for that? it was a welcome surprise. ok, ok, to the numbers already...

tithe 10%

savings $401.93 (I know it's specific - I used every bit of extra I could find so we can repay ourselves)

World Vision (we sponsor two kids in Guatemala. I really love that country, and it's important to us that regardless of our personal financial situation, we give to others as much as we can)

Edward Jones $300 (we contribute the max suggested by our financial advisor - Jake Henry doesn't have a 401k through work, but he works for the state so he will get a pension - and we also put a little into some mutual funds, which we consider to be our "new car fund"; we don't put much back at all for this, so it will take a long time before we could actually purchase a new car, but we know that day will come!)

mortgage $468

water/trash $90 (last month the bill was only $78! so maybe all our talks with the munchkins about water conservation are paying off!)

electricity $108 (we are on Duke Energy's equal payment plan - if you're not, do it immediately. it's so much easier to plan)

cable/internet $54 (any suggestions for cheaper Internet? we get NO channels - as in, the screen is gray and fuzzy when we turn on the tv - so we only pay for Internet)

groceries $350 (I go to Costco at the beginning of every month, then fill in with trip to Trader Joe's weekly. we get our household supplies - trash bags, toilet paper, toothpaste - from grove.co)

gas + oil changes $200

life insurance $64 (we have enough to pay off our debt, including the house, provide a nice funeral, and Jake Henry has enough for me to get about a year's worth of his pay...I really don't see the need for any more than that.)

health "insurance" $150 (I use Christian Healthcare Ministries...my first time actually asking for them to cover anything will be when I get my MRI bill, so I'll let you know how it goes!)

home repairs $10 (this is new. just so Jake Henry can get gas for the lawn mower and whatever other stuff guys need to fix around the house. I know it's not much but it's better than nothing)

family activities/eat out $40 (we usually end up using this for a couple of drive thru meals throughout the month, but I'd love to do something fun with the boys before they leave)

dates $50 (maybe we will actually get to go on a real date after they leave, though!)

travel $10 (tiny, I know. I just started this one with the intention that it will help us have some weekend getaways occasionally. we would definitely need to add to it, so we would probably dip into savings a little bit too. since I know money will be tight over the next little bit, I think it's important to have little escapes)

gifts $10 (not including Christmas. for random things that come up that we'd need a gift for)

Jake personal $50

Taylor personal $40

Mighty Nest $10 (just heard about this...they send you one product valued at over $10 every month, to help you slowly create a more eco friendly home. if we get something we can't/won't use, it will go in my gift closet I have to help cut down on costs there. one thing I remember from when we were really "poor" - I use that word relatively - is that it's important to have tiny luxuries built in. otherwise you'll go crazy from being so frugal all the time)

Netflix $9

WDAV $15 (classical radio station near Charlotte)

medical bills $50

credit card $50

Taylor's pay:
tithe 10%
savings 10%
cell phones $80

foster parenting pay:
(not really sure how much we will get paid this month, because we've utilized respite - where the kids go somewhere else for a night - a couple of times, and you don't get paid when the kids aren't there)

tithe 10%
savings $205 (will finish repaying ourselves and then some)
car insurance $895 (we pay annually - our big expense this month, obviously)
student loan 1 $35
student loan 2 $51
student loan 3 $100 (we are on an income based repayment plan for this one, and technically our bill right now is $0, but it's still earning interest)

essential oil order $150 (I've used essential oils for a while, but I've been running kind of low, and if I spent a certain amount I got other things for free...honestly not sure how I feel about any of the MLM companies, but it was time to re stock and helped a friend at church :) normally I buy the basic oils from Native American Naturals. no offense to any oily friends, I'm just trying to balance health, budget, and friendships)

medical $50 (I can't afford to pay much on the bills this month, but I mentioned earlier I'm going about once a week...so I wanted to be able to pay something a couple of different times - we get paid for foster parenting in the middle of the month - instead of feeling like I'm always saying "add it to my bill, I'll pay you next month")

as I've been typing this, I've found myself thinking "they're gonna think we are dumb for spending money in certain areas when we've got debt"...and you know what? maybe we are. but that's the great thing about personal finance - it's personal. the last time we were living on a really tight budget, it was just two adults who didn't need to "get away", because our whole life was a date and enjoyable. now that kids and medical problems are in the picture, I'm much more ok with letting go a little. ultimately God is our Provider; I know He will ensure we have everything we need. we are to be good stewards of our resources, the environment, and our relationships. I think our budget presents a good mix of that :) I share this because I know it has helped me immensely when others have done the same. our budget has gotten to where it is today because of seeing categories that other people do and don't have, and adjusting it to meet our needs. I'm honestly looking forward to a tighter budget when the boys leave, because as I said at the beginning, we always do so much better. at the beginning of our marriage when we lived on much less, we are good food, drank good wine, and enjoyed time with friends and family. I can't wait to get back to that. hasta luego!

our updated budget (for April 2016)

It's been quite awhile since I did the series on budgeting - and life has changed for us since then - so I figured it was high time I updated you. I follow several budgeting blogs and I love when they post real numbers, so I'll do that here. No judging allowed :) And some background info: where we live, I believe the median income is around $35,000/year, so we are definitely well off comparatively (and of course we live in the U.S. so we are filthy rich by world standards - let's all keep a right perspective here). We are foster parents, so we get paid from that, and I'll address that here too. Also, I work one Saturday a month at the jewelry store I worked at before we got married; it's a way to ensure we spend some time with my parents (we stay the whole weekend with them when I work), and also helps our budget. Also, since our income has increased, we've way loosened our belts - we have GOT to get that in check, so hopefully this will keep me accountable. So with all that in mind, here's our one-ish income budget for a family of four:

Tithe 10%
Savings 10%
^these come right off the top, from all our income sources

World Vision $70 (we sponsor two kids in Guatemala)

Building fund $20 (our church has started a campaign to be able to build a bigger building, and this seems so measly compared to what is needed, but it's what we can do)

Investments $300 (we use an Edward Jones man because we are just not good with investing, and we've been very happy. He has used a formula to tell us how much we should be investing for retirement, and we do a little more into a money market? Mutual fund? something, to use as a future car fund. When we don't see it we can forget about it)

Mortgage $468 (I know, it's awesome. It's also a two-bedroom, 1200 sq ft house on half an acre)

Water/trash $90 (kids + baths = a greatly increased water bill)

Electricity $108 (we do a thing where they bill is for our average monthly usage from the previous year)

Groceries (including household items) $350

Dates $50

Family activities/eat out $50

Gas (and oil changes) $200

Life insurance $64 (we don't have a ton, just enough to pay off our bills and provide a funeral)

Health insurance $150 (I actually use Christian Healthcare Ministries, a cost-sharing, faith-based ministry, instead of health insurance...that's probably deserving of another post by itself)

Jake personal $50 (mainly for lunches out)

Taylor personal $50 (includes the whopping $20/6-8 weeks for a hair trim and eyebrow wax)

Cable/internet $54 (we have no channels, only internet. This seems crazy high)

Netflix $9

WDAV $15 (we support a semi-local classical music radio station)

^all of the above comes from Jake's pay. These are most of the necessities (only lacking our cell phone bill, which I'll address next), and there's obviously wiggle room for tightening our belts, which I'll also address)

Cell phones $80 (this comes from my pay, just because after tithe and savings my pay is $80 and that's what our bill is, so it works out easily)

Foster care income:
It's public record what foster parents get paid, so I'll just tell you that we get $1652/month. Our boys are 7 & 8, so there's a base pay of $581/each, plus we get a "difficulty of care" add-on because the boys have so many needs and appointments and medications that really they should be leveled therapeutic foster care (where we'd get more like $2000/child), but we aren't licensed for that. And in case anyone needs me to spell this out: we aren't doing it for the money. But here's how we spend that money:

Student loans

Credit card (we've gotten way lax here - the goal is to pay it off monthly, but we haven't been recently, so now we are in the same boat as everyone else; we are trying to pay it off as quickly as possible)

Massage (this seems so unnecessary, BUT I've had tons of health problems recently due to stress, so while we can afford it I'm trying to get regular massages to help with that)

^so here's the thing about the foster care income. Some of you know, but for most of you this will be news: the boys will be leaving after the end of the school year (their last day is May 13). This is our choice, and SO MANY factors went into it...I'm writing an article for a foster care blog so I'll share that when it's been posted. However, court is coming up and their bio mom is certain she will get them back. If that's the case, it's possible they will leave sooner. The emotional part of all of that is not for here and now, so here's the money part: we won't have this income soon. We will tighten up some of the categories that come from Jake's pay, pay only the minimum payments on student loans, and focus on paying off my medical bills (forgot to mention those - they haven't started coming in yet, but they will soon). In the future, we likely won't get nearly as much, because we aren't going to take kids with special needs - or if we do, only one at a time. It's kind of sickening to think that we've basically squandered this period of much higher income...we always tend to do better the less we make. Again, I can't even begin to address the emotional fallout from our foster care situation, so please don't think I'm heartless.

I think that's about it. Maybe I'll update monthly? Who knows. But here it is!

because this is my life now (or, how to deal with kid clutter)

wellll hopefully anyone reading this has been following our foster care journey on Instagram, but if you haven't, hop on over there. taylorcaitgroce. 

my little boogers - T, age 8 and C, age 7 - are WILD. part of it is typical boy, part of it is borderline autism/ADHD/never had much in the way of rules and order. I go to bed absolutely exhausted every. single. night. they came to us with TONS of stuff. I mean, car trunk crammed full and a couple trash bags on top of that. their previous foster home apparently did not share my views on material things. 

actually, let me stop right here and make a disclaimer. I realize that to many, I probably seem extreme. probably even to my own mother - who, undeniably, instilled in me my love of order (and truthfully in my case a lot also comes from my legitimately clinically diagnosed OCD). but it shouldn't be news to anyone reading this that over the past couple of years, I've really come to appreciate and (attempt to) embrace more of a minimalistic lifestyle. so when we were trying to begin our family, I knew I wanted to continue that even with little ones. I did not want every single baby gadget. babies themselves don't require much - it's the parents who want it. I knew I wanted to do holidays and birthdays very simply. I would love to live in a tiny house, but my husband is too giant to do that, so I'm treating our modestly sized home as my own simple/tiny living experiment of sorts. we were more than comfortable being 2 people living in 1200 sq ft, and as we added more to our family, I planned to continue to simplify so we could continue to live comfortably. all that is to say: this is all my preference. it doesn't have to be yours. in fact, most people I know are completely opposite.

back to my story...the boys came with a bunch of junk. (oh, and keep in mind that I have pretty particular tastes in fashion and decor, too) and every other week they visit their bio mom, who sends them with BAGS of more junk (in addition to happy meals and candy...but that'll be a story for later). so how do I contain it all? I am so not interested in having plastic stuff sitting out in my living room. and after the boys moved in, we quickly learned that keeping toys in their shared bedroom was not an option. their bedroom not only needs to be super duper conducive to sleep - as it is still exciting for them to be sharing a room - but it also needs to be destruction-proof. other parents of special needs kids hear me on that one? we needed one place where we could have them go to safely throw the king of all fits (about every other day at the beginning, now we are at about once every two or three weeks). so how do I store toys not in their room, not out in the living area, and not in the playroom since we are using it as the master bedroom now? well, I had one little cabinet that's beside our bar, kind of in the living room. it connects through to the kitchen cabinets but it's kind of awkward. I used to store random things like batteries and a screwdriver and flashlights in there, and the boys were always "exploring" in it, picking up all the things little boys love but do NOT need access to. so anyway, I had that cabinet. and I needed to figure out how to make it work to fit their toys. so I purged. 

I'll try to make this short and sweet and just go ahead and tell you what we've ended up with. in their toy cabinet are four boxes (there's a pic on IG): on the bottom shelf are two shoebox-esque boxes with each of their names. those are for toys they like to keep separate. on the top shelf are two taller boxes - one for Legos, and one for all the other toys. those are all the things they play with in the house. on our covered front porch we keep a basket filled with: remote control cars, playdoh, and random cigarette smoke smelling junk (like happy meal toys and other uses tiny things) they bring home (that I clear out little by little so they won't notice). around back we have a basketball goal, a pogo stick, two bikes, football, schoolyard-type ball, sidewalk chalk. and at the bottom of the stairs in our basement, right by the back door, we keep: some science experiment kits (partially used - I should probably go through those), paint supplies, and a huge art jar; these are things that need to be used outside, but not kept outside. so while their toy cabinet looks so neat and I love it, they are not deprived children. I typically MAKE them play outside for at least a few minutes every day, regardless of the weather. the front porch is awesome for this. 

I've of course seen on Pinterest the idea of boxing up half or more of kids' toys and then rotating them in and out with the other toys, so they forget about them then get excited about them again. sorry, but that's just too much work for me. I do NOT want a house overrun with kid stuff, and I do NOT want to make more work for myself. the boys are responsible for cleaning up each area of stuff when they are done, and anything left out gets thrown away or donated. they've learned (and are still learning - like I'm at some point going to NOT be serious about it? HA) the hard way. but that's how I maintain my (sanity, and my) beautiful, simple, clutter-free-though-it's-small-and-full-of-crazy-people/dog home :)

why I dress the way I do

this could potentially be offensive/controversial, so let me begin by saying that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. this is truly a personal decision. as a married woman, it matters what my husband thinks. and that is IT. so please don't think I'm telling you to dress a certain way because I said so, or to impress others, because I'm not. if you're married, you have only your spouse to worry about. that being said...

why do I dress the way I do? and what way do I dress? well, a lot of people have made comments about me being "so dressed up". really I've dealt with this for years, but I've been surprised that it's continued into adulthood. I heard the other day that for the first time ever, jeans sales dropped. maybe this was old info, so like in 2011. why did they drop? they're "too fancy". people are preferring yoga pants. UM. it was not that long ago that jeans were considered workwear only, as in physical labor outside or in a factory or something. I won't even address today's standards because in general I live my life doing that...but I just wanted to mention that. so, why do I dress "up"? there are a few reasons.

1. minimalism. I've been interested in this topic for a while. I don't now nor will I ever count my possessions, but there is an obvious theme in my home and my closet - less is more. quality over quantity. if I'm committed to having fewer things, they will be my favorite things. my nicest things. which leads me to...

2. I like nice things. I can't afford to create a new J. Crew/Anthropologie (my stores of choice) wardrobe every season. I can, however, afford to add a few of these pieces a year - especially when I find them at consignment or thrift stores. so what I do buy needs to be fairly classic. classic styles appear to much of my generation to be dressy.

3. most importantly, it honors my husband. woah, listen to that backwards anti-feminism talk going on right here (actually, feminism is about women being able to choose - and I choose this). Jake Henry and I prefer more of the traditional gender roles than is exhibited in much of our culture today. he is the primary breadwinner. my work outside the home is limited. I do most of the cooking and cleaning (most. because I have an amazing husband who is more than willing to help even without being asked). and this is working beautifully for us. as a one-income family (mine is so small, and only goes to further our debt reduction and build up savings, so it's technically not necessary), we are not able to afford some of the luxuries two-income families afford. we rarely eat out. my nails are done by yours truly. our kids won't get cell phones at 8 and probably not cars at 16. they'll live. but we keep a close eye on our finances and as such, what we are able to afford is this lifestyle of not relying on my income. it makes it easier to be a homemaker now, and a stay-at-home mom later. I say all that as background info...and also because I feel like sometimes people look down on us for this decision. but anyway. dressing well honors my husband. who wants to come home from a hard day at work to finds his wife, who has been home all day, in workout clothes? when she definitely has not been working out, and especially not all day long. I feel it is respectful to him to provide a good view, if you will, when he walks in. I clear all clutter from the entryway, as well. it helps him relax. and when I do venture outside our home, I am representative of him. for his sake, I don't want anyone to see me and think, "there's Jake's wife, she doesn't even work but look how awful she looks!" I feel it is part of my job to provide him and others with something pleasant to look at. oh, but I don't want to forget..

4. it makes me feel pretty. I've always been like this, as long as I can remember. I feel prettier when I look nicer. which just makes the whole day better, don't you think?

the post I didn't want to write

I haven't given an update on our fostering process in a while, and a few people have asked about it since The Call, so I figured I might as well let you all in on what's going on. I've been avoiding that.

If you'll recall (or not), we got fingerprinted in July, as part of the requirements for our licensing paperwork (Jake had actually been fingerprinted a couple of months prior, something to do with his security clearance for work). Notoriously that is a long part of the process. Then, we were informed
we forgot a particular piece of paperwork - which we "forgot" because the sheriff's department said we didn't need it. Anyway, we signed the paper, sent it in, and knew it would basically start the fingerprint processing over. That's among other things, of course. Our agency merged and we were caught in the middle. Our trainer suddenly and unexpectedly quit, leaving someone else all of her work. So now you're caught up. Until last week.

I emailed our new contact to check on the status of our fingerprints. We've been waiting on their clearance so she can send in our licensing info to Raleigh, and then we would have a 4-8 week turnaround before being licensed. So I emailed, and she called me back. Said she didn't have good news. Apparently, the SBI has no record of Jake's fingerprints. At all. Not even from when he did them for work. Just...none. It could have been something as simple as the person at the sheriff's department never hitting "send". I didn't cry, I calmly told Jake what happened, our contact sent us all our paperwork thusfar so we could hopefully prove to the sheriff's department that he had been fingerprinted by them SIX months ago. He went the next day...and the sheriff's department has moved. Vacated their building, leaving no sign of their new location. (Jake has since located it, but REALLY, Wilkes county? You do nothing to help your reputation.)

Bottom line: fingerprint processing takes 6-8 weeks. Licensing processing takes another 4-8 weeks after that. We are looking at being licensed around April-ish.

We started this whole thing in May. So a year out of our lives? No time at all. We've just been thinking, every step of the way, that we were SO close. I've quit my job. We ourselves have fulfilled all the requirements, most of them by July. That stuff has to be redone every two years. We KNOW God has a reason for this...and we are beyond ready to see what it is. So, um, that's it. Don't cry for me, Argentina. Just wanted to keep everyone in the loop.

courtship and engagements continued (again)

Sorry for no post last week; Thanksgiving left me playing a bit of catch-up. Today I will just list a few excerpts that I think speak for themselves and, for the most part, don't even need any updating.

• "Good manners always dictate that men and women be restrained about public demonstrations of their physical feeling toward one another." p 13. Amen.
• "...modern young people...should remind themselves that the [dating period] is a trial flight which can easily end in a crash landing." p 14. Meaning: your whole life is not - and you shouldn't act like it is - wrapped up in this person until "I do".
• "Except under extraordinary circumstances, a formal engagement should not last more than six months and most are three months or less. And any man or woman who lets the engagement run into a matter of years for any reason whatsoever is not a good marriage risk..." p 14. I've mentioned before that today, weddings take a little longer to plan. Many venues book quickly, and the wedding industry in general is suggesting to allow at least a year for the planning process. For logistic reasons I see no problem with this. There are also the situations where one or both of the engaged persons is/are still in school (although...why not wait to get engaged?). My brother is in the Air Force and he and his fiance are living half a country apart, so it makes sense that their wedding would take a little more time to plan. That being said, it is very possible to have a beautiful, budget-friendly wedding in a short amount of time. As I've mentioned before, mine was planned and pulled off in under 5 months.
• "If more engagements were honestly viewed before marriages are entered into there would be far fewer divorces. A man or woman should never be made to feel that by virtue of the exchange of an engagement ring he or she is irrevocably committed to the appointed marriage." p 14. AMEN. Figure out whether or not you are "compatible" or "want the same things out of life" before promising to God and witnesses that this person is the one you have chosen with whom to spend the rest of your life. I've broken an engagement and I (and he) survived, much more easily than if we had endured an unsuccessful marriage.
• However. "This does not mean that an engagement should be lightly entered into or lightly broken." p 14. When I became engaged the first time, I genuinely thought he was and wanted him to be the man I pledged myself to forever. Over time, I began to see that there were issues which, left unresolved, could greatly impact a marriage negatively. It was a hard decision to break it off, and for years afterward I was emotionally broken. But I knew that once I married, divorce would never be an option; and at the time the engagement was broken, there was not an assurance of a successful marriage. 

Side note: I am certainly not perfect, and certainly don't know everything. I share my experiences to show (in these instances) that difficult or seemingly impossible situations can be taken on in order to prevent worse ones. I hope they help you, and if not, I hope you'll appreciate anyway that I've shared them with you.

And I hope you're enjoying the etiquette posts! This is a subject I love, and am enjoying learning more about. Have a great week!

etiquette: courtship and engagements continued

Before I begin this week's post, I'd like to make a note about last week's: I wrote about how courtship is the time when a couple is "trying one another on", in a sense, and how dating couples are not married couples and shouldn't treat one another as if they were. Don't put the cart before the horse. But I failed to mention the opposite. Married couples are not dating couples, and marriage is not the test run. Marriage vows include the words "til death do us part" for a reason. I am saddened to see so many people in my generation being so quick to divorce. Now, I am not saying divorce is never ok. Test the waters through dating, then commit for life by marriage. Don't marry someone you weren't compatible with while dating. And don't use marriage as an equivalent to dating. Marriage is hard. And though there are occasions when one may find something out about a spouse they did not previously know, marriage is not the time to call it quits because of it. Again, there are legitimate reasons. Danger of oneself or one's children, naturally. But "we aren't compatible" is not an appropriate reason to divorce. For those of us who face really awful situations, and can't stand our spouses at times, but choose to continue on anyway...quick-to-divorce folks cheapen our commitment. They make the idea of marriage cheap, and so when people our age look around at married people, instead of honoring our commitment to one another and seeing clear boundaries, they see lines easily able to be crossed. I'm talking to you, "I'm going to continually contact and flirt with my married ex-boyfriend because there's always a chance (trust me, you are the last type he wants). And enough of that soapbox :)

Today's post has to do with the time right before an engagement occurs: "the conference with the father". I get that it seems totally old-fashioned, and is not always an option. Personally, I would not have said "yes" to any man who didn't first talk to my parents.

A girl's parents, especially if they have been supporting their daughter, have the right to know just how her fiance proposes to take care of her after the marriage, in short, what his income is and his savings, if any, and what may be his future expectations.

This may seem extreme, but I happen to 100% agree with Vanderbilt. My parents had spiritual questions, as well; but financial ones are wise. Even though today the majority of women work outside the home after marriage, and are basically financially independent of their husbands, it's still good to have an idea of where a man stands financially before marrying off a daughter to him. Vanderbilt continues by saying, "It is very comfortable to start married life on a sound financial basis." How true this is! I was not the best with money before I got married. My husband, on the other hand, had basically saved everything he had ever earned. We were able to purchase a modest (and perfect to us!) home, with a 20% down payment, avoiding costly additions to our monthly mortgage payment. My husband, his father, and his grandfathers then updated the home without us going in to debt. We were left with a modest emergency fund. When a financial advisor's services were offered to us, my husband was wise enough to recognize that though we are able to handle our day-to-day and month-to-month budget just fine, the long-term was beyond either of our knowledge. My husband has spent his entire life making wise money decisions, and that has been a great benefit to our marriage. Never once have we argued about money - the main factor in the majority of divorces today.

So I encourage you, if you are unmarried: require that any man seeking to marry you talk to your dad (or a father figure) before he asks you. A wise older person will know just the questions to ask - the ones you are too blinded by love to even think of :)

etiquette: courtship and engagements

My mom told me my introduction to this series was...harsh. Imagine that, me coming across as harsh. So, I'm sorry. That is not at all my intention (it really never is); I'm just pretty fed up with being associated, because of my age, with the crude, rude people now even rising to leadership positions in this world. Also, just a reminder: the things I will say are my opinion - how I think we can and should apply today the etiquette principles of yesteryear.

The "Courtship and Engagements" section has a lot that I want to talk about, so I'll break it up into several posts. I am at the age where a lot of my peers are already married (with kids), newly married, or hoping to be married soon. Here's what Amy Vanderbilt had to say (p. 10):

A fairly long courtship and a brief engagement seem to be a safe formula. The courtship period is casual and informal, without pledges on either side. It gives each a chance to know the other better--and yet make a graceful exit if that seems expedient.

I'll pause to comment here before continuing. I think we can all agree that "fairly long" then probably meant something different than what it means today. In my experience, however, this formula did work. My husband and I dated for just under a year before we were engaged - in fact, we had only met a year before becoming engaged - and were engaged for just under five months before our wedding. I know many, many people choose much longer engagements, usually because of the wedding planning process. While I don't fault anyone for that (I know some venues are in high demand!), I will say it is absolutely possible to have a beautiful, budget wedding in under six months. Once we were engaged, we were moving toward the goal of marriage, and we did so expediently. At that point there was no need for us to wait on anything. And as for the second part of the above paragraph...I wish I had dated a little more like this. I tended to think that the longer you date, the more serious you become. Which, in a sense, is true. But dating/courtship is not engagement, and no non-engaged couple should treat their relationship or each other as though they are promised to one another. If you like it, put a ring on it.

Vanderbilt continues:

It is impossible for a man and woman to know whether they are really suited to one another if they spend all their courtship time in the exclusive company of each other. Each should give the other an opportunity to expose to searching consideration his best and worst sides. They should see each other in the give and take of family life...

Say what you will, but the purpose of dating has always been to find a spouse. Even scientifically speaking, to find a mate with whom to procreate. So seeing how one another work in the context of a family is vital. Ladies, how a man treats his mother (or motherly figure) is how he will treat you. Obviously not right now, but within your own family dynamic. And vice versa: guys, a woman will treat you the way she treats her father (or fatherly figure). It has been quite the lesson for me, as my husband is not nearly as easily swayed as my daddy by batting eyelashes and downturned lip! And in general, it's beneficial to be around other people as you date. Life is not lived alone, nor between the two of you. You will learn all sorts of things - good and bad - about the way you both handle different situations when you give yourselves the opportunity to see each other in those situations.

And I'll stop there for today. There is a lot more on courtship and engagement, but I don't want to bore you! My hope is that you will read these little tidbits and be inspired to live your life with grace and class, and as such gradually apply them to your life. There is no reason - including and especially our present-day low-standards culture - we can't bring back higher standards of living and interacting with our fellow people. I sincerely hope you will enjoy this learning process as much as I am! Until next time..

introduction to etiquette: both my own and AV's

I am so beyond excited to begin a new series on etiquette. Anyone who knows me can attest this is right up my alley. As we enter the holiday season, I thought this would be as good a time as any to begin.

I am not nearly well-versed enough in the subject to consider myself anywhere close to being an expert. I will be reading, cover to cover, Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette: The Guide to Gracious Living (copyright most recently in 1963). Obviously, the book is old; so what I will do is summarize a section and then attempt to apply it to our modern lives. As for day-to-day etiquette, I strongly encourage you to peruse and subscribe to both the Daily Connoisseur and Annie Dean. These two women are considerably more knowledgeable than I, and do an excellent job at living out the principles of etiquette and social grace.

First, you may be wondering why I would desire to write on the subject of etiquette. I both crave and cultivate a beautiful life, and I think this is not only possible but necessary - regardless of one's station in life. I am appalled by the way my generation behaves themselves. Truly disgusted. "Women" show every body part they have, if not on the street, then through social media. "Men" think it is appropriate to honk their horns and whistle (although, to be fair, the women hands-down invite this attention). Most women my age seem to be on the lookout for their Prince Charming, yet they behave in such a way that no gentleman would want to introduce them to his mother. The women also put up with disrespectful treatment from men in the hopes that he will one day change his mind and decide to treat her the way she deserves. Ladies, he will not. The way a man treats you during courtship is the best he will treat you. He may (and should) continue that treatment beyond the wedding day, but giving you his last name will not turn him overnight into a knight in shining armor. Listen, I am totally aware we live in the 21st century and that everyone is both politically correct and "enlightened" in our modern society. That does not mean we can or should throw all etiquette out the window.

Now you may be thinking, who is she to tell me this? I am no one. No one in the eyes of this world, that is. I am firmly middle class American (which, by the way, is filthy rich when compared on an international level). My parents both grew up very poor. One of my grandmothers grew up as a share cropper - the next lowest standing to slavery. I was the first person in my family to go to college. I was almost a career military officer's wife (long story), but instead of being unhappily married in semi-high society, I chose to be happily married in the rural South. I have never been, am not now, nor will I or my children likely ever be high society. I wasn't born into it. So, you see, I am most certainly not qualified. But I am fascinated, and so desire for my generation to leave the crass in favor of what is classy.

So who will I look to? As I mentioned, the book on which I will be basing all of this was written by Amy Vanderbilt. In her introduction she says what applies to me and probably many of you: "Who needs a book of etiquette? Everyone does. The simplest family...needs to know at least the elementary rules."

So, let's begin, shall we?

some mom advice for ya

Trust me, I know more than you do. This is for moms:

While you're complaining about your stretch marks, I'm looking at my still flat(ish) stomach just willing it to stretch to support a growing bundle of joy.

While you're talking about sleepless nights up with little ones, I'm waking refreshed...and walk down my hallway, past a room with an empty crib.

While you're wishing your kids would pick up after themselves, I'm looking at my perfectly organized playroom. With its untouched toys.

While you're facing mounds of laundry you feel you'll never conquer, I continue to pull full-sized clothing out of my washer, just wishing I had reason to need to do more loads.

While you watch Frozen for the umpteenth time, I flip past Noggin and keep going...and it hurts.

When you talk about your pregnancy/birth stories and all you wish you'd done/had differently, I long to have any pregnancy or birth story at all.

And every time you look at me and tell me I'll change my mind when I have kids, or to be glad I have all this time with my husband, or to just wait til I have to deal with a screaming toddler in the middle of Target...I just hope to get the chance to prove you right someday.

Please don't misunderstand my point. I have an amazing, gentle, loving husband, with whom I am blessed to spend the rest of my life. And I do not take that for granted. I know so many people want so badly to find their perfect mate, or to be happy in their marriage. I only wanted to remind you to be grateful for everything about your current situation. There is always someone who would do anything to be in your shoes. Sometimes it helps to be reminded of that.

final meeting

Yesterday, we had our very last meeting with our trainer from Grandfather Home. The only thing we lacked was my high school diploma (the state won't accept college diplomas as proof of education!), so she took that. She hasn't received our fingerprinting info but she expects to any day. We had to read over everything she had compiled on us, and I have to say, it was interesting to see our whole lives boiled down to 20 pages of excerpts. And provided everything goes as planned, she will send in our licensing packet to Raleigh next Wednesday, October 1.

Because of staffing issues at the state level, we can reasonably expect an 8-week turnaround time. So, if our paperwork goes in October 1, it's safe to estimate we will be licensed by December 1. Obviously, this is much later than we had anticipated or hoped for when we started this journey. BUT. I will be leaving the class I teach during the mornings, and my last day is December 11. So we are choosing to look at this as best for the child(ren), even if it's not our preference. This means we will not have to utilize daycare at all. Even if we get a call that very day (December 1, say), either Jake can take off work until December 11, or my mom can come up, or "worst" case scenario, I could leave my job early. I informed the school of our decision in June, hoping they would find my replacement, and they have! A wonderful lady with tons of experience is currently my "assistant", but when I leave, she will be teaching the class. So it wouldn't be a big deal if I left a few days early.

When I asked if we would have a placement by Christmas, our trainer responded with a "probably"...but she warned us not to accept a placement just because we want a child for Christmas. She said if we aren't sure the child or children would be a good fit, "we want a child by Christmas" should not be the deciding factor. It will not be unicorns and rainbows. The adjustment period will be hard, and likely not over before Christmas, so it won't be Norman Rockwell by any means.

So we are praying for patience, and encouragement, and wisdom to know what to say to the first call we get. We are praying everything goes through quickly and that a nearly ideal placement will come our way ASAP. And in the meantime, I am determined to be a productive member of society and not allow myself to just be sad and waiting around, because who knows when a child will come our way. We are excited to see how God uses us and our time in the coming weeks, months, and years. Thank you again for your continued support and encouragement! It means the world to us :)

hurry up and wait

Ok, so this is not the military. But it sure feels like we have been doing a lot of rushing then waiting. So here's another little update for ya.

The agency we are going through, Grandfather Home for Children, is in the middle of merging with Barium Springs. Jake and I are completely done with everything on our end. But until the merger is complete, we can't sign off on our final paperwork and send it in to the state. We are currently hoping to sign everything next week, and have our licensing paperwork sent to Raleigh on October 1. From what I understand, there is about a 30 day turnaround time for us to actually receive our official license in the mail. So that puts us at October 31ish.

As soon as we are licensed, we can get a call at any time. However. We do know we will be doing respite care for some little girls who have foster parents - we will just be providing their foster parents with a little break for an afternoon or a weekend or whatever. That will give us a little practice before we have a child or children placed in our home. So, I'm guessing within a week or two after we get our license, we will watch those girls maybe a couple of times, and within a week or two after that (approximately, of course - one can't plan these things), we will get a placement.

As I've mentioned before, I would have loved to have had a placement by Jake's 30th birthday, but we knew from the get-go that would be basically impossible. I totally thought for sure we would have a placement by my birthday in late October (which will mark two years that we've been trying to conceive - no longer "about a year", but actual "years"). We won't even be licensed by then. I would now love to have a placement by Thanksgiving, but that's cutting it awfully close. So I'm really, really hoping we have one by Christmas. We are honestly getting a little discouraged by all of this. The thought of a Christmas without a child's excitement is pretty sad. Not in general, but for us who have been wanting one, and now actively preparing for one (or more). So, it would be great if you would join us in prayer for that. I feel kind of silly asking that; it seems so trivial. But at this point, I'm walking every day by a closed door leading to a room fully prepared and ready for children, and spending time in my sunroom-turned-part-playroom where no kids have touched the toys and books on the shelves. So, yeah, I've been in a funk lately.

Anyway. Just wanted to keep everyone in the loop since it's apparently been two months since I last posted. I will definitely let you know when things are moving forward! Thanks for all the support and prayers and excitement you've shared with us. We so appreciate it :)

update. a fun one!

Our last foster parent training session is on Wednesday. What?! It's surreal that this milestone is already upon us. Of course, we're thrilled! The final touches will be put on the kids' room this week. We've moved all the kids' clothes down to the basement because we have compiled everything we need! We have a couple of basic outfits for each gender, each size, each season. What a relief to have that accomplished! Of course 2-3 outfits won't last very long, but it's enough to buy us some time so we don't have to rush out and buy a lot of clothes as soon as we get a child. Cloth diapers are stashed and ready to be used, should we need them. As are bibdanas. Just got our first bottles - glass :) (I'm sure there are plenty of people who will tell me that's not practical. Oh well.) So finally I have given an update that shows some real progress! After Wednesday, our trainer has to finish all of our paperwork - a 25-page document she sends to the state of NC to tell them who we are - and the state has to look it over and approve it. We get fingerprinted. We have a home inspection and get our fire extinguisher updated or whatever. And sometime in September we will receive a little packet in the mail containing our license to be foster parents for two children and one infant. We should have a placement by my 27th birthday :)

minimalism, parenting, and why it's so important that we be debt-free

Doesn't sound like the most interesting blog post ever, but oh well. It sort of ties in to fostering (for us), and it will do while we are in between updates.

Minimalism. I am by no means an expert. But after studying and applying it for the past year, I do know one thing: it looks different for everyone. There's a scale, if you will. We do not number our belongings or live out of one suitcase as we travel abroad. We already live in a small house, though, and do not plan on upsizing until/unless we absolutely have to. 1300 sq ft is more than enough for two people. We've kind of figured out how to fit 4 children. But if we do end up with 4, when they get to be teenagers it will be a bit tight. I say all that so you can see how we are not space-hungry, not nearly as much as the rest of our generation. Jake Henry and I both have capsule wardrobes. Our children will, too. If there are ever too many toys to fit in the toy box, we absolutely will not go out and buy a bigger toy box. We will purge toys. When you own less stuff, you spend less money. That's the real kicker for us. There's less upkeep, less replacing, less time cleaning, and more enjoyment of what we do have.

Parenting. Sort of going along with minimalism... We want our parenting to look different. We don't particularly like what we see in this day and age. I've mentioned before that electronics will be closely monitored and timed. Neither Jake Henry nor I want our kids to "have a better life than we had". Our childhoods were great! Neither of us were the richest (monetarily) kids in school (especially when I went to private college! wow!), but we weren't the poorest either. What we do want for our kids is a more simple childhood than just about any we see today. With less time in front of the TV, what ever will we do with them? Well, we want them to play outside. Where I can see from the window, but not necessarily be out there with them yelling to not climb that tree. I've read articles about how American parents are the most anal, and the kids then grow up to be stressed and need therapy and be anal with their kids. Our parents and grandparents did not have the kind of supervision parents today give their kids. My mom has a scar from where her brother cut her with a machete. She lived. I'm not trying to downplay the need for safety, not at all. I tend to be pretty anal myself...and I don't want to be, for my kids' sakes. And we don't want to be driving all over the world all the time for each kid to be in multiple sporting events. Of course we want them to pursue their passions. One at a time. And if we ever start to get stressed because there aren't enough hours in the day or we aren't spending enough time together as a family, then our kids will sit out a season. They won't lose potential scholarships for it. We just really want simple. The way our parents and grandparents grew up.

Debt. Obviously, I talk about this a lot on the blog. I'll just recap. Debt = any money you owe to anyone to pay for something you already have or used to have. Most people just think of credit cards, but it actually includes medical bills, cars, loans, homes. Everything. One-time purchases that cost more than you could pay with cash. Just to clarify further, debt does not include recurring bills such as electricity or cable. We are fortunate enough to have no credit card debt. Not because we are so wealthy we don't need it, but because if we don't have cash (or debit card), we won't buy something. We have one car payment, I have student loans, and we have a house. My student loans were acquired before we got married, so they are my responsibility. The car is mine, but we both benefit from its use. And the house is both of ours. So what's the big deal? That's all pretty normal, right? Of course it's normal. Which is sad. When we have less debt, we have fewer payments, which makes room in the budget. For us, right now, it's most important that I be able to stay home with our children. We feel it's best for our family. Especially with foster kids, since we may be the only positive or (healthily) loving influence they have in their sweet lives. But in order to stay home, I would have to have my student loans paid off. Because of how hard we've worked toward this goal, I would able to work very part-time, but not to leave work completely. We will continue to work hard toward the goal of not needing any income from me at all. We've made a plan. We know there's a thing called life, and plans rarely work out exactly, but we have one nonetheless. In a couple of years, I would be able to work one Saturday a month. A few years after that, not at all. Also in a couple of years, we will be able to start paying a little extra on the house. Not much, but a little. We don't want to be slaves to a lender for 30 years. Someone is probably thinking that it's so nice we will be able to do that, but not everyone can afford it. I think that when I read other blogs, especially ones talking about paying off their house in five years. But see, for us, our family is most important. We will do what it takes to do what's best for our family, while paying down as much debt as possible. We could pay off debt more quickly if I continued to work as much as possible. And while we are childless, I'm doing that. But once kids enter the picture, our priorities will change. And just to remind any doubters (of themselves): we will be living off of less than a teacher's salary. Of course teachers are important, but so is the guy who digs in carcasses to test meat to ensure its safety. The state of NC just hasn't recognized that yet. I don't say that to toot our horns, or to get pity. I say it to encourage you. If you've read this or any of my other financial posts, and you would love to implement some similar strategies but feel you just can't afford it, don't be discouraged! If we can do it, so can you. We actually prefer living on a tighter budget. It enables us to be creative, to spend more time together, and to trust God more.

So, like I said, not the most exciting post. But I felt it needed to be written.

an update and a resolution

1. This past week we had a training in Winston that was all about medicine administration. There is a crazy amount of detail to be logged and crazy amounts of paperwork. Foster parenting is not easy money; we will definitely be working for it! Basically, we will have to document every single time we give a child any medication, including not only controlled substances (like ADHD medication), but also over-the-counter, and even things like sunscreen and bug spray. We are a little overwhelmed, but just like everything else, we're gonna let it sink in for a bit. We have finally gotten our playroom/office to a place we want it -- meaning, super cute :) We are still thinking September for when we will be licensed. Our trainer says the average wait time for a placement is a month at most. So sometime in October we will likely have a child/children (obviously there is no way to plan these things).

2. On to my resolution. I'm reading this book called Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford. Basically, she advocates being hands free (from electronic devices) to focus on the people in your life. I'm assuming everyone reading this would agree that is important. BUT. How many of us actually implement that? So basically I'm going public with my decision to be a Hands Free Mama (ignore the lack of hyphen; it's hers, not mine). I've started by not taking my phone into my bedroom. I'll need to get an alarm clock, but I used to find myself so often scrolling through e-mails, or feeds, or whatever. And my bedroom is for sleeping and relaxing. I also want to set my phone aside when I'm teaching. It's easy to check it quickly when my students are busy with something. But that's stealing time from them. Even more importantly, when I'm with my family, my phone needs to be away. Especially when we get foster kids. So if you try to contact me and don't hear back immediately, it's because I'm focused on the people in my presence. Not only that, but my kids will follow it as well. They won't get cell phones as early as everyone else these days. They won't get unlimited access to the iPad or television. I want to teach them that real-life experiences, with real-life, in-the-flesh people, are worth being fully present. I pinned something awhile ago that said "kids won't remember their best day of television". This is going to be difficult for us, as their parents. I can totally see how electronics are convenient babysitters, even for a short time. But I want NONE of that. As a perfectionist, this is very difficult for me to say, but: I would rather my house go uncleaned for a month if it means I can spend time with people and keep my children from mindless television watching. Who's with me?

why a Pampered Chef party is really important to me

Can't think of a good way to introduce this, so I'll just start.

I have a friend who is in the process of adopting from Ethiopia. She and her husband have two sweet little boys, and felt like God was calling them to add to their family again, but through adoption this time. She called me the other day and asked if I would be interested in hosting a Pampered Chef party for her, as they are trying to come up with the last little bit of money they need for travels to Ethiopia to pick up their precious baby. And I said absolutely! First, just a few days before her call, I was thinking about how much I enjoy my Pampered Chef products. I only have a couple, but whenever I use them, I feel so fancy. Kinda...pampered. And second - but most importantly - how cool is it that I am able to help out a friend who is in a somewhat similar boat? Fostering and adoption are two different things, but definitely related. Especially taking into consideration all of the hoops to jump through, and paperwork, and atypical preparation for welcoming a child to your family. Pregnant people get at least one baby shower, 9 months to prepare, and overwhelming support from everyone -- from family and friends to doctors and endless books. Foster and adoptive parents basically get as much help as they can drum up themselves. But I digress.

Anyway... I agreed to host a Pampered Chef party. And I'm telling you about it because I want as many people to come as possible! It will be on Tuesday, July 22, at 6:30. I've never actually been to a party before, but I know I love their products. And I'm a huge advocate of cooking at home and family meals being eaten together -- avoiding processed foods, overpriced dining out, and the dissolution of the family unit (maybe a slight exaggeration on that one).

So mark your calendars, ladies! Your men are welcome to come, but Jake Henry says the women can spend more money when the men aren't there to try to talk them out of it :) I'll send e-vites or something closer to time, but just wanted to get the word out now. And also explain why it's especially important to me.

Oh, and our next training meeting is tomorrow (Friday), so I'll try to post another update in a couple of days. Au revoir!

things I wish you knew (or would at least think about before speaking)

in no particular order...

1. "How's the baby making coming?"
Um...really?! How is that in any way appropriate for anyone to ask anyone else?? There is a tactful way to broach the subject if you and I are semi-close friends, and I do appreciate your interest if that's the case. But basically, I'll tell you if/when we get pregnant. If we're close, I'll tell you right after we tell our families. If we're not close, then I guess you'll find out when we decide to announce it (or if you see us out with a newborn baby boy with a beard, it's a safe guess he's biologically ours).

2. "Have you gotten your kids yet?"
Granted, I know more about the system than the average person. But how is it possible for you to think that all one has to do is sign up, and they're handed a kid -- especially a kid who has been abused or neglected?? Seriously, people. They do background checks. There's training. It takes time. Just use some common sense. And if you see us with a kid to whom I am speaking Spanish, or cornrowing their hair, or who has squinty eyes, or is older than the amount of time it's been since we last saw you, then go ahead and assume that we've gotten our kid(s). (also, just to clarify in case you haven't been told: we're looking at being licensed in September; that's the earliest we'll get a placement)

3. "Have you looked into treatments?"/"I'll hook you up with ___ so you can talk about your treatment options"/etc.
It's kind of you to care like that. Really, it is. But...have you considered that maybe we don't want to do treatments? Like, that we could actually choose not to? We have by no means exhausted all options. We haven't even looked into them. For a couple of reasons. First, we're not entirely sure what we think about the morality of them. You know, the whole "playing God" thing (among other issues). And that is totally a personal thing. We have close friends and know of many others who have gone through fertility treatments, and we are in no way saying they were wrong or sinning or anything like that. We just aren't sure how we feel. Also, we don't have $20,000+ to spend on anything. We're the type who would prefer to pay cash. But even if we had that kind of money sitting around...fertility treatments are not guaranteed. It's not our hearts' desire to give birth; it's our desire to be parents. So we'd rather spend that money on an actual child (like through adoption). That's not the only reason we're fostering, but it's a definite bonus that there is $0 involved in adopting a child or children through the foster care system. So, no, we haven't gone through any treatments. And we likely never will.

I hope this came across as more informational than emotional. I've read a couple of those buzzfeed and other articles lately along the lines of "20 questions you should never ask...", and I thought it'd be helpful to write one myself. Because, to be fair, this is kind of uncharted territory -- not only for us, but for those around us, as well. So now you know :)

training session 2

We had our second training session Friday. Jennifer was in the middle of making a placement during our session, so she let us know ahead of time that she might have to leave at any moment. She ended up staying the whole time, but now we see this will likely be a regular thing - placements interrupting our sessions/timeline. Which is absolutely fine, because placing children in loving homes is why we're all doing this anyway.

Basically, she went over the questions we had answered about the first book she left with us. It was pretty eye-opening to be able to see things from a different angle. For example: a mom hasn't come home in several days, leaving her 10-year-old in charge of the younger siblings. That's considered abandonment, which is grounds for removal of the children from the home. Everyone reading this will agree that removal is appropriate, and probably be a little disgusted with the mom, and not want her to have her kids back ever. BUT. This particular mom has been left in the lurch by her husband (no ex) who never pays child support. She is 28 and has four children for whom she is the sole provider. All she does is work and take care of children. She feels hopeless, and has no time whatsoever to be in anything other than survival mode. She can't take that and needs an escape. (This is not a real person, FYI, it was an example given in our book!) So while abandoning her children was definitely wrong...I can't help but ache for her. I'm a woman. Close to her age. And I can't imagine what I would do in her situation.

But anyway, we do things like that. Learn to look at the back story and really connect with the birth parents on a human, we're-all-in-the-same-boat way. It will make temporarily caring for their children easier when we can truly desire to help and work with the birth parents.

That's pretty much all of the updating I have. We're one training session closer to being licensed. I'm still thinking early- to mid-September is when we'll have our license in hand. Jake and I have recently made some pretty big decisions, but I'll have to wait to disclose those. Our lives now revolve around children we've never met, and didn't give birth to, and who might only be with us for weeks. But we could be the only positive influence they'll ever have - the only example of what a strong, loving marriage and family look like - and we're adjusting our home and relationship and lives accordingly.

One last thing: on Saturday, Jake competed in his second powerlifting meet. Last year he was in the 220 weight class, but this year at weigh-in he was 221 lbs, so he was in the 242 weight class. Being the lightest person in the class, and only having competed once before, and missing one of his goal weights (to lift), my Jake Henry placed 3rd out of 8. I am so very proud of him. And I totally feel invincible when I walk around with him. Like, "yeah, wanna say that in front of my husband? Didn't think so" kinda deal.

The end (for now).

magic

Let me just talk about God's provision for a minute.

1. My pay checks are set up to be about 2 months behind; at the beginning of June I got paid for the work I did in April. Well, in March, we had so much bad weather, coupled with spring break for one of my classes, that I worked about half of my usual hours. I just knew that my May paycheck was going to be half of what I typically get. But guess what? It was maybe 10% less. And that was the month we had a lot to buy for the kids.

2. Just this afternoon I opened my mailbox and lo and behold, I had received a long-lost state tax refund from 2011.

So during this time in our lives, when we are spending a whole lot of money to prepare for kids who aren't our own and who might be with us for mere days, we have been given extra money. You may call that coincidence, but I do not.

Happy Thursday!

the perceived value of stay-at-home parents

Our foster training meeting yesterday had to be cancelled at the last minute, so I figured I'd publish this post I've had written, just waiting on an appropriate time. Fair warning: this is a long one. But worth it, I think. Also, I am in no way trying to offend working parents. This is meant to DEfend stay-at-home moms.

Jake Henry and I have had several discussions, but especially recently, about one of us (me) staying home with our children. One of the things we've had to focus on is how very difficult it will be - mainly emotionally/mentally. It seems to me that it's almost a cultural thing, where we live, that about 0.1% of mothers stay home with their children. And I am not about to make a judgment call on that. But because of that fact, I won't have a group of other stay-at-home moms with whom to share play dates and the woes of stay-at-home parenting. It will pretty much literally be me and the kids, at home, all day. And that's gonna be hard.

Because of the lack of stay-at-home parents in this area, it's also going to be hard on Jake Henry. He hasn't really seen that whole situation play out, and doesn't know what to expect. He has never been around it. Around here, from what I can tell, moms and dads both work outside the home. By the time they have kids, grandma retires and watches the kids. And when those kids grow up and have their own kids, that's when mom retires and then watches her grandkids. That's the cycle. Which is really cool for a lot of families. What I grew up with, though, was my mom at home watching us. And it's what I've always wanted for my kids. Also, until my brother-in-law finishes dental school, my mother-in-law won't retire (and we live a distance from my parents). So that's not even an option for us. Both of Jake's grandmas are alive and well and actually pretty young (early 70s), but that's a lot to ask of them, especially as they're taking care of their aging husbands (and all women can imagine that an aging man is hard to take care of!). So our options right now would be daycare or me staying home. And me staying home is exponentially more preferable.

Stay-at-home parenting will be so hard financially, in addition to what I've already mentioned. We've all heard the news in NC about the teacher pay raise debate. Well Jake makes less than most teachers we know. And he sticks his hands in animal carcasses all day, every day. He deserves a pay raise (in addition to teachers!). But until that happens (and even if it does, let's face it), we will be living tightly. Granted, we are extremely wise with our money. No credit cards, no debt except the house (other than mine of student loans and a car, which are my responsibility and will come out of my money), rarely eating out, few processed foods, aware of our energy use, etc. etc. etc. But that is still not a lot of money to live on. So don't think we are just rolling in dough so I can stay home, and have a nanny, and get pedicures every week.

With all of that being said...I can so see how around here, people could tend to look at me and wonder what I would do all day other than watch soaps and eat bonbons. Well. I didn't realize until I got married how much of a job keeping a home is, in and of itself. Personally (don't you dare comment something snarky), I would tend to advocate for married women staying home from the workforce in general. Getting the knack of meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, etc., is hard. You are literally an event planner and coordinator, chef, maid, and accountant the moment you say "I do". I spent four years in college preparing for a future I am not living, and no time at all preparing to be a wife and mother. When we were first married, I worked full-time. When that company asked me to be so unethical I couldn't take it, we took a leap of faith and I worked only on the weekends, making about 30% of what I had before. We survived - and actually thrived - on our reduced income. And I had time to really get good at my primary job: that of a wife. I did have time for extras, like volunteering with a cause I believe in strongly, and joining a book club at the library. Having jumped from my parents' home to my husband's home, that time really allowed me to grow up a little and become more well-rounded. So when I think of staying at home, then adding children on top of that, I can imagine how difficult that will be! Time management will obviously be key.

And this brings me to my point: where is the respect for stay-at-home parenting? I would like to say (for those who don't already know) that it is not weird for parents to raise their own kids. It is not lazy. Someone's got to do it, so why not me? And as much as Jake Henry and I have prayed for kids...why in the world would we want to only see them a few hours a day? I'm sure many working moms reading this will say they don't want to be away from their kids that much, and I know that. We have had more time than we intended to prepare for kids and me coming home. And remember what I said earlier - we will be living on less than what a lot of people realize. With a lot of hard work, and planning, and preparation, it can be done. Oh, and both spouses have to be on board. So I get that it doesn't work out for everyone. But when it does work out (not luxuriously, but enough to get by), let's support those families. Seems to me they don't have a lot of people on their side.

I sincerely hope my rant has awakened people to the value of stay-at-home parents. Obviously, we are very conservative and typically advocate traditional gender roles. This is not about politics. It's about seeing someone else's choices, and appreciating and respecting them (and I think even you liberals go for that! ;) ) Just as I ache for my friends who miss their babies all day long while they're working and away from them, and I so admire how they get everything done, I hope working parents will look at stay-at-home parents and admire someone who can stay in a house with only kids all day and still manage to be sane(ish). And with that, I'll just end it here. :)